To Do List

A couple reasons why you won't see me for the next 3 weeks

This week:

class, work, study (no LOST)

class all day, OB test, work (pop quiz?)

work, start on paper

Simulation lab, hopefully check off on OB skills, finish paper

double shift at work

Next week:

study for Pharm test (finish OB work sheet somewhere in there), church

12 hour clinical, africa meeting

pharm test, work

class all day, work (pop quiz?)

hospital to get info, work til 4:30, profile writing til wee hours of the morning

hospital 6:30a-2:30p (paper due)

The final week:

study for medsurg test, church

OB lab day, work, africa meeting, pharm quiz

class, work

Med Surg test, work

hospital, work, profile

hospital until 2:30

then HOME!

Gross. I can't wait for March 12 :[

This Is Why I Do What I Do

Let's be honest. My life within the borders of school and work is hell. I know it. You know it. I have worked my butt of since May with nursing school and have known that I love it but all my work finally paid off last Friday night.

Some know that I have the evening clinical in the PCU. Let me break that down for all you non-medical people. I have a shift from 3pm-11pm on the Progressive Cardiac Unit. :] So this week I was on a hall all alone. No other nursing students. Just me, my nurse, and my patients. As soon as I get there the nurse says, "Do you want to do CHF teaching for the pt in room ***) [CHF-congestive heart failure; pt- patient] I kinda clam up but take this a a teaching opportunity. I've never done teaching to a pt, & it may seem easy, but I find it a huge responsibly b/c I am telling this person how to live, what to eat, what signs and symptoms to watch for. If they don't get the information well they don't know how to treat themselves when they are at home. So I go in there and talk to the pt. She is understanding everything I'm saying & it's awesome. Then she starts talking about her family. I found, as a nurse, that pts will spill their soul to you. She goes on about all the hardships she has had with her family and throughout life then proceeds to tell me within the same breath how awesome God has been to her. She just goes on and on about what God has done for her in her life and how she has been blessed. I got to talk to her about Jesus & I almost started tearing up. That lady was the one in the hospital with her heart failing, and SHE is the one talking to ME about how good God is. It made my day. She tells me that we never give God the praise that He deserves. I found that to be very true. He deserves our constant gratitude. We should be constantly thanking Him.

I move on to the next room and start my assessment on a lady that is legally blind. I go in and start talking to her and she realizes real fast that the girl she is talking to has a southern accent and that it's not her nurse. haha So I let her know who I am, and how long I'll be there with her. I go about my assessment and take her blood pressure, and she proceeds to grab my hand and hold it. She tells me how appreciative she is of me and all the people there at the hospital. She tells me how she has been treated so kind while she is there, and goes on to tell me that she is so thankful for me. Again, I am just overwhelmed by her. Later in the shift I got to put in my very first IV! (very excited about that!) I tell her after the fact that it was my first IV and she just couldn't believe it. I come in an hour later to check on her and she just starts ranting and raving "Sweetheart, I have to tell you something. I would not lie to you about this. This IV you put in...I can't even feel it. The other one that was in my hand was stinging so bad. You did such a good job."

These 2 stories may seem like nothing, but for the first time in my whole Nursing career I actually felt like a nurse. I ministered and gave good nursing care & I got double the ministry given back to me. God blessed me beyond what I could imagine. I love nursing. I love my patients, & I love love love that this is what God has called me to do. I know this is super cheesy but on Grey's Anatomy this past week they had a scene in which they stated the physicians code. I don't know if this is a real code or not but I loved it so for your reading pleasure . . .

"I solemnly pledge to consecrate my life to the service of humanity. I will give to my teachers the respect and gratitude that is their due. I will practice my profession with conscious and dignity. the health of my patients will be my number one consideration. I will respect the secrets that are confided in me even after my patient has died. I will maintain by all the means in my power the honor and the noble traditions of the medical profession. My colleges will be my sisters and brothers. I will not permit considerations of age, disease or disability, creed, ethnic origin, gender, race, political affiliation, nationality, sexual orientation, social standing, or any other factor to intervene between my duty and my patient. I will maintain the utmost respect for human life. I will not use my medical knowledge to violent human rights and civil liberties even under threat. I make these promises solemnly, freely, and upon my honor."

Doubt

doubt: to lack confidence in; to feel uncertain about; to question the truth

Such a small word that I participate in everyday.

Background story: I had a Med Surg test today (for nursing of course) that I studied hours upon hours for. Thought I did decent, and it turns out I failed. I never failed a Med Surg test last year. The lowest I got on a test was an 82. First test this semester I get a 74. You might say "Beth, a 74 is not failing! That's a C" You are wrong, my friend. In Nursing we are on a 7 point scale making a 74 a D. & in nursing a D is failing. We have to make C's on everything. So you can imagine my despair.

After crying for 40 minutes while on the phone with my mother (I'm sure she couldn't hear a word I was saying) I now look back on that and almost laugh.

Why is it that I doubt? that I doubt my ability to become a nurse? doubt my knowledge? doubt God? Every time I don't do well in something in nursing I completely lose it. I fuss and cry and get mad and I don't understand why I am so dumb. I can tell you for a fact that whenever something has gone wrong in nursing, it never fails that I doubt God. I doubt his ability to get me through it. I doubt that God has actually called me to do this.

You think I would have learned my lesson last year when I had to pass the Pharmacology final in order to pass the class. Without any of my doing, God granted me with a passing grade on the final (& a good one at that) & I was able to move onto my next semester.

When God has gotten me through that then why can't he get me through this? I am human, and I am ridiculous. I need to learn to completely rely my trust on Him, and give Him everything. This past semester has been the hardest couple months of my life. Hands down. I feel like I'm climbing the highest mountain there is and the top is not in sight. Cue Miley Cyrus - The Climb.

But seriously, God has called me to be a nurse. Why would He allow me to get this far to fail? The thing is, He won't! I know I'm going to look back on this semester and laugh at how much I was stressed out. (or maybe not) I don't want to question God and His plan for me. I want to embrace Him through the hard times and I want to praise Him when He provides the victory in the end. I want to have faith.

faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something; without question.

23 seems like a dreadful age

Sorry guys, but this maybe a sad entry.

Today I turned 23 years of age. I know that may sound young to some people but for me I feel like I am 40 years old. Yes, I am dramatic, but that's how it is. Seriously. I almost cried about it yesterday b/c I did not want today to come. I know, I'm pathetic.

It was weird, b/c without meaning to I completely blocked my birthday from my memory. I'm not kidding, I was thinking about all the good things to come when I was driving back to NC from VA. Christmas, New Years with my best friends, going to DC with Meghan . . & then I was like "oh, my birthday" I had forgot until my friend Martha text me and told me Happy Birthday.

So I tried to figure out why I dreaded it so bad. Then it clicked. I'm fricking 23! I'm not supposed to be in school. I should be done. I should be an adult. But here I am in my 5th year of college, having to go through one more year in order to get done. 6 years of college just for an undergrad. That's effin ridiculous. Another reason, in "my plan" for my life I was supposed to get married when I was 23. Now here I am, and I don't even have a boyfriend. & I definitely don't even have the ability and strength to handle a relationship right now. I promise this is not a pity thing where I am so sad that I am 23 and single. I honest to God do NOT have time for a boyfriend, and I don't mind that I don't have one. It's just that fact that I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this time in my life. But I really just need to come to terms with God that it is all in His timing and not mine.

On a happy note, I was accepted to go to the Congo for 6 weeks this summer. I do realize that God is trying to prepare me for what is next. I should be excited about all this, and don't get me wrong I am. But it is so hard to grasp that God wants to use me in such a huge way. That I have to let go of relationships I have here and just trust in God and leave eventually to pursue nursing on the mission field. I feel so inadequate and unprepared for this, yet I know this is my purpose. It's crazy. I feel like this coming semester is going to be nuts compared to last since I have accepted this position. I just need prayer and renewal.

I know 2010 will be a good year and 23 will be awesome, but as for right now, I just want to go to sleep, b/c I feel like an old fart.

Here Am I

just realized one thing that gets to me more then anything in the world. & that's me and missions. I received an email a couple days ago from one of my nursing instructors opening up the opportunity of going to Africa this summer for a little over a month to work in a hospital and work in missions there. If anyone knows me, they know that God has called me overseas to do nursing missions & this summer I wanted to take the opportunity to go to see how it was and familiarize myself with it. So I emailed her back and told her I was interested.

Today I received a reply from her asking me to fill out a resume and send it back to her by tomorrow. There are only 5 spots open for this trip. I started filling it out and called my mom. (I always call her when I need prayer which is always by the way) I just wanted her to pray that I say the right things and that if this is God's will that He open to door. Well I almost lost it & started crying when I was telling my mom about it.

I find it strange that I have been so stressed out due to school, work, and life in general this semester that I haven't cried since September. & again if you know me AT ALL you know I cry about something at least twice a month. (after all, I am a girl) I have been so busy that I literally have no time to cry, even though I probably have more to cry about right now then I ever have. Yet whenever missions is mentioned anywhere I get tears in my eyes.

I know that God has called me to do this. & I WILL do it. I just find it amazing that God can break my hardened heart over something I haven't done, or someone I haven't met. I'm so blessed that God has called me to do this. I am so incapable of such a task without Him, yet He allows me of all people, He calls me of all people. His love wows me everyday.

I pray that I do get this internship in the Congo. If not, then it wasn't God's will. I just find it amazing that once God calls you to do something He creates your heart to long for that. I have never felt this way about anything before & it's difficult to explain. But I want to go. Send me, Lord.

Killing Time

What does one do when they try to avoid homework?

make a blog, friends.