23 seems like a dreadful age

Sorry guys, but this maybe a sad entry.

Today I turned 23 years of age. I know that may sound young to some people but for me I feel like I am 40 years old. Yes, I am dramatic, but that's how it is. Seriously. I almost cried about it yesterday b/c I did not want today to come. I know, I'm pathetic.

It was weird, b/c without meaning to I completely blocked my birthday from my memory. I'm not kidding, I was thinking about all the good things to come when I was driving back to NC from VA. Christmas, New Years with my best friends, going to DC with Meghan . . & then I was like "oh, my birthday" I had forgot until my friend Martha text me and told me Happy Birthday.

So I tried to figure out why I dreaded it so bad. Then it clicked. I'm fricking 23! I'm not supposed to be in school. I should be done. I should be an adult. But here I am in my 5th year of college, having to go through one more year in order to get done. 6 years of college just for an undergrad. That's effin ridiculous. Another reason, in "my plan" for my life I was supposed to get married when I was 23. Now here I am, and I don't even have a boyfriend. & I definitely don't even have the ability and strength to handle a relationship right now. I promise this is not a pity thing where I am so sad that I am 23 and single. I honest to God do NOT have time for a boyfriend, and I don't mind that I don't have one. It's just that fact that I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this time in my life. But I really just need to come to terms with God that it is all in His timing and not mine.

On a happy note, I was accepted to go to the Congo for 6 weeks this summer. I do realize that God is trying to prepare me for what is next. I should be excited about all this, and don't get me wrong I am. But it is so hard to grasp that God wants to use me in such a huge way. That I have to let go of relationships I have here and just trust in God and leave eventually to pursue nursing on the mission field. I feel so inadequate and unprepared for this, yet I know this is my purpose. It's crazy. I feel like this coming semester is going to be nuts compared to last since I have accepted this position. I just need prayer and renewal.

I know 2010 will be a good year and 23 will be awesome, but as for right now, I just want to go to sleep, b/c I feel like an old fart.