This is not my normal blog post

I wrote this a while back & just now decided to post it. oops

I've been a nurse almost 3 years. Three years on August 29th to be exact. I've spent my first years of being a nurse on the Cardiothoracic Intensive Care. My old unit (Cardiac Intensive Care) merged with our sister unit (Cardiovascular Recovery Unit) a year and a half ago. Shout out to my girls! (and 4 boys) We get all kinds of patients. Heart attacks, open heart surgeries, lung surgeries, people with an onset of new heart rhythms that need to be treated, post codes, blah blah blah. Basically WE ARE BUSY. All the time.

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this . . . I LOVE my job. Absolutely love it. I wouldn't want to be on another unit. I adore my coworkers and honestly we have the best doctors. I don't see my self doing anything else. It seems like everyone, and I mean everyone, always asks me what's the next step. Am I going to go back to school? Do I want to be a Nurse Practitioner? The answer is always no. I want to be bedside. I love the patients I get. To some it up, I love what I do. 

I was talking with a friend some time ago about how stressful my job is, things I have to put up with, how nurses don't get paid enough for what they do, etc. He looked me in the face and told me that everyone thinks their job is the hardest and that they should be paid more. My job was no different. I wanted to choke him out. 

No one understands what nurses go through unless you are a nurse. Truly. We put up with poop, throw up, blood, other bodily fluids that get on you and do it with a smile on our face. We are overworked, underpaid and exhausted. The hospital is always at max capacity. We are trying to move patients out to get patients in. We've actually had a patient just waiting in a stretcher in the hall because we did not have a room. We are not only the nurse, we are the family support, the educator, the babysitter, you name it. The doctors expect us to know everything about the patient even when we just got them to the unit 2 minutes ago. We get yelled at, punched, blamed, sued and all we get for it is a strain in our back from making sure you are as comfortable as possible in the bed. 

I tell myself I love my job, because I have to. I can't count the amount of times I've looked into someones eyes as they stopped breathing, as the family is just looking at me to save their life, or to comfort them. The amount of times I've placed my stethoscope on a patient's chest only to follow up with, "I'm so sorry. He/She has passed away." The amount of times I've stood and hugged a family member as they cried. When I first started out I wanted to keep a journal of all the things that changed me as a nurse. When I realized one serious event after another happens in a cardiac intensive care I stopped writing it all down because I couldn't keep up. 

I don't think in other jobs you go home with the guilt that you told a family member you would take care of their loved one and then they died while they were gone.  I don't think in other jobs you feel ribs breaking underneath your hands while you are compressing their chest. I don't think in other jobs one minute you are laughing with someone and then next they are dead. I don't think in other jobs you cry in the bathroom as often. I don't think in other jobs you carry the weight of all that home with you only to know you will have to do it all again the next day.

Nurses are so strong, not physically, but mentally. We have to be. When I lost a patient yesterday I had to stop crying in the bathroom and put on a front to my other critically ill patient's family that I was fine and that I was going to give the best care to their family member. Because that's what nurses do. We take care of you and your family when our lives sometimes feel like they are falling apart. We not only have things we deal with personally, but we also take home the patients/family members struggles and hurts.

So next time I don't hang out after work and want to go to bed at 8:30, don't laugh at me.  

True Freedom

I am much better with words and conveying my feelings on paper/blog then speaking. Ask anyone, I suck at talking. This post I started writing on March 25, 2013 while I was sitting at Starbucks. I never posted it (obviously) I'm not sure why, but from March 25th til this day July 18th, I've been besties with the Israelites. It's funny how God throws stuff in your face sometimes.

On March 6 a close friend called me out and told me that so and so wasn't my problem, I was my problem. Then she told me to listen to a specific sermon about the Israelites.

March 25- the day I originally wrote this post was the day I read some of Exodus out of my Bible app

RIGHT AFTER I typed up this whole blog, I got an email from a friend telling me to buy a book that we would read through together. The book? Redemption. What's it about? Oh, ya know, the Israelites.

In the middle of that I began reading a different book about prayer, and in the beginning the author spoke of the Israelites.

I just now finished the first book. Yes, it took me forever. There were definitely some days I didn't want to read it. But from that point til now, almost all of my friends have brought up the Israelites and their journey to find freedom.

With that said, here's what I wrote . . .

I constantly feel like I'm in bondage to something, and by something I most definitely mean sin. I find myself never truly feeling free from it. Why is that? Is it because Satan constantly reminds me of my failures? Is it because I don't feel like I can accept the true love of Christ? Probably both.

Here I am again learning from ordinary people of the Bible. Lessons that I continue to learn. It's honestly encouraging that people in the Bible are similar to me. Thanks, Jesus, for making the Bible relatable. 

This time I learn from the Israelites. 

Imagine being in slavery for years, and then someone shows up to let you go. Awesome, right? But then you have to walk through the wilderness to get to the place you are called to be, where God wants you to be. 

This is what I mean . . . 

"As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn't we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, "Leave us alone! LET US BE SLAVES TO THE EGYPTIANS. It's better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!" (Exodus 14:10-12)

First off, the Israelites would have rather died in SLAVERY then die on their way to the Promised Land. This statement gets to me in several ways. This just shows me that they have no faith in God whatsoever. They would rather be complacent in slavery, doing nothing with their lives then to take a risk for some thing God has called them to do. God has promised them such great things and in this moment when Pharaoh is catching up to them they give up all hope. 

Ever feel like God has called you to do something and it's taking FOREVER for his promises to prove true? I like to give up, and I often do. I don't see the promises He has in store. I'm the one that actually turns away from God and walks back to what holds me captive with open arms. At least His people didn't turn around, like I so often do. 

Israelites: 1 Beth: 0

but alas

"But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." (Exodus 14:13-14)

Isn't it so much better to go in the way God has called you even with trials instead of being a slave to whatever binds you. I'm grateful God knows the outcome. 

Just rest in that fact. God is fighting for you, just be calm.

God: 970,387,546,282,007,468,200 Beth: 0

There is so much more that I've learned from the book of Exodus and things I've learned about myself that I never realized; my idols, how much I complain, the fact that I don't trust God, my selfishness, how prideful I am, the list goes on and on and on. I'm human, and I definitely don't claim to be perfect in ANY way, but for some reason I never understood the Israelites until now. I thought they were ridiculous, and in more ways than a few I am exactly like them.

I don't like trials. I don't like difficulty. I don't like listening to others. I like to do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on my own. I don't like not knowing what's ahead. Basically I don't trust God. Ouch. It's an amazing thing to know that God loves me regardless. Wouldn't I rather Him know my path, then me anyways? I'd rather Him write my story any day, yet it's much easier for me to say that then believe whole-heartedly in that fact.

I'm not perfect. Frankly I'm a broken shell of a woman that thinks I have to earn my keep, but lucky for me God fills in those shattered cracks without payment. His payment was enough & THAT, my friends, is a fact I need to learn.

He truly is the freedom I've been searching for.

Perspective

So there's this guy. Joseph.

Loved by his father. Hated by his brothers. Sold into slavery. Close with the pharaoh. Thrown in jail falsely. Stayed there for years. Forgotten while in jail. Once remembered came to reign.

Joseph should be so pissed, right? I would be! Sure take the good with the bad but he was just done wrong. Yet he didn't keep a grudge.

When revealing who he was to his brothers finally he says, "Don't be upset, and don't be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. IT WAS GOD WHO SENT ME HERE ahead of you to preserve your lives. IT WAS GOD WHO SENT ME HERE, not you!"

Sometimes I wish that I could respond in that manner. Joseph remained faithful to God for years and didn't blame his brothers for the hell we went through. He gives glory to God for placing him where he was. When people do me wrong, I feel like I blame them constantly. "Look what you did to me. I"m like this because of you, and I don't like you because of that."

Why do I find it so difficult to let grudges go? Why do I blame God when something minor doesn't go the way that I would like it to? Joseph was also human. Same flesh and blood that I have. Nothing special, but he followed Christ. He trusted in Christ. He basically is saying (from my understanding of this story) that God sent him through those trials & God is the one who gets the praise He deserves at the end of it.

That one verse just rocked my world today. I need to realize that God does have a plan for me. I'm not in jail. I wasn't thrown in a pit by my brothers and sold because I was hated by them. Yet I fall apart daily. I'm not putting Joseph on a pedestal, because I'm sure that while he was going through the valleys he questioned God the same way I do unfortunately.

I'd love to have that attitude though, of God sent me through this because of .... fill in the blank. My story is still being written, but at the end of it I pray I have that attitude. Not an attitude of, "Why did you do this, God? but God sent me here & praise His name for it!

Growing Pains

I don't write much. This we all know (we as in maybe the 2 people that will read this)

This year has been absolutely amazing and extremely awful. It's definitely been a growing experience for me. This time last year I was not the woman I am today. You probably would have never been able to tell because I was very good at masking things, except to my close friends. (or so I thought I was good at it) I've done a 180 from who I was last year & I could not be more grateful for the prayers and love I received from everyone.

With that said, if I was the person I was a year ago I don't know how I would have handled this year. This year can be summed up as the year of loss for me. I  gained everything I ever wanted and lost it all in the same year. Don't get me wrong, My life is definitely not in shambles. I am very thankful for what God has brought me through.

I ended up posting mostly all the blogs that I wrote but saved as drafts, because I wasn't ready for people to read them. That is just a glimpse into my life last year. I hit bottom. I questioned everything I ever knew about God. I didn't receive His love, & I didn't want it. I thought so little of myself, and it showed. I didn't accept anything good, because I knew I didn't deserve it...

Until God blessed me with someone who changed my perspective on myself and God's love for me. This person showed me so much about God's love whether they knew it or not that I finally was able to accept it little by little. It was the acceptance of one person that made me realize God wants me even if I push Him out. It was that moment sitting on my couch that God told me this is just a miniscule amount of my love for you.

Months have gone since that moment. Many things have changed in my life. One of my best friends in Lynchburg who I saw every day and is my rock, got engaged and moved 2 hours away from me. My boyfriend who I thought I was spending the rest of my life with broke up with me. My unit at work is going through a ton of changes that are hard and taking a toll on me. We lost our unit manager. All my closest co-workers are actually leaving and getting new jobs. My roommate and close friend for 5 years may be moving back home.

Like I said everything that I was blessed with has been stripped from me. I'm amazed though because through this year of loss, God has grown me.

I went to Africa again where we all know my heart is. I've grown to love church again, and I walk away every Sunday overwhelmed with love for the friends I have grown to know since going to Uganda. I found an awesome small group that encourages me every week. I've never had a love for scripture like I do now. Working on CICU has brought me a friend that I am beyond grateful for and wouldn't give up for anything. I finally feel confident as a nurse. My bestest friend in the world moved back to Greensboro from Nashville.  I've given up my plan for my life and handed it to God.

They say bad things happen in threes. I wish! It's one thing after the other for me, but I FINALLY can say I have the confidence to stand tall and smile knowing that God is in control.

Bring on 2013

Enough (written on 8/4/12)

Ever feel like your not enough? I do every single day of my life.

I could be a better nurse.
I could be a better friend.
I'm not spiritual enough.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not thin enough.

Sometimes I feel like a constant disappointment to friends, coworkers, especially God. I never take what God says as truth. A friend told me this past week that I needed to believe I am righteous in the eyes of God. I told her I had a hard time believing that. She responded back by telling me that the funny thing about that is, we can choose not to believe it, but that doesn't mean that it's not truth regardless. She told me that I needed to start believing God's Word as truth. God doesn't need me. I need Him. The glorious thing about that is He takes me as I am. I'm not enough, but God is.

Psalm 103
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Real Talk. (written on 5/22/12)

I feel like the only time I write in here is when I am going through something huge. If anyone even reads this I'm sure they think I'm crazy. I don't care. For me, writing helps me compose my thoughts, so here I am yet again.

The past several months have been weird. Weird in a manner that I've felt things I've never felt before . . feelings towards God.

Anger. Abandonment. Bitterness. Apathy. Unbelief.

I voiced this to some of my closest friends. Typically I like to keep these things to myself. I'm the type of person that doesn't ask for help and hates when people try to help me. I'm the "I can do it on my own" type. Like good friends do, they were obviously concerned. They reached out and prayed for me. This made me even more aggravated. I genuinely didn't want their prayers. My thoughts were "Pray for something that matters. Pray for people that need it. I'm perfectly fine." I honestly did not want God's help or my friend's help. This led me to the belief that God was absent in my life. I continually pushed Him out and wanted nothing to do with Him.

The fact that I had to work every single weekend made it easy to avoid church. For the first time in my life I did not want to be at church. When I had the chance to go, I was uncomfortable. I didn't listen to anything the pastor said. I didn't sing the songs (which is weird for me because I love to sing) I put on my church face, and was glad to get out of there when it was over. I have never felt like God was so far away before, and I didn't even care.

Fortunately my friends continually asked me questions and encouraged me.

Friend would say, "I hope you don't mind me continually speaking truth to you."

I would say, "As long as you don't mind losing, b/c you won't win this battle."

Long story short. The battle still is not won. I think other people have been redeemed. I believe they have been forgiven. I strongly believe that God loves people immensely, but for some reason I don't believe any of that for myself in the least bit. Sometimes I just think it's easier to believe God has left me. Why else am I such a mess? If He is "so active" in my life then why hasn't He fixed me? It's tough to think He's here and is not doing anything in my life. I'm not saying I somewhat still don't feel like this. I don't like people getting close to me. I won't let them. Maybe this is the feeling that has led me to push God out. Who knows.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I do know this . . . I'm glad I have friends that fight for me when I've completely given up on myself.

All I know is that I'm a disaster, but from what I hear God takes me as I am.

This Is It

If you know me at all, you know that when I freak out, I freak out to the max.

I may not voice it all the time, but on the inside I feel like I might explode.

Tonight I am going to my very first shift as a nurse. I'm off orientation, so it's just me...planning care for a patient, having their lives in my hands, the one responsible for their care. Does this warrant a panic attack? Yes it does.

Tonight while I was catching up on last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and putting on makeup I just began to cry. You would think that I cried b/c I'm stressed out. Sure, that may have played a part, but I more began to cry b/c I was looking at myself in the mirror and I just felt God say, "This is it. I've brought you right here to this point. You are ready."

As I sat there & just looked at myself I began to realize, the grueling 6 weeks of Sophomore year in the summer, the sleepless nights of Junior year, the stress of Senior year, and my 12 weeks of orientation all boil down to right now. Literally the past 3 years of my life I did not think I would make it, yet here I am. It's comforting to know that God's plans work out when you think they never will. I've been learning and training since summer of 2009 to be right here, and I'm so thankful God has brought me here. I feel like for once in my life God is smiling on me. I feel like for the first time in my life I have finally made Him proud. This is it.

Here goes nothing.

Clean

Tonight was unexpected to say the least.

I had dinner with a couple people that I went to France with this past May.

Background:

I LOVED that trip. I really did, but coming back home I realized I had a ton of walls up during the trip. Our leader in France likes to discuss what he calls "matters of the heart" & honestly I don't ever want to talk about that. I don't see the point in talking about deep things to people that I barely know. Why let them into my thoughts and feelings when they don't deserve to know these things? So I went out of my way to avoid any and all topics that would lead conversation to that direction & when I got caught up in it once I averted it.

Back to tonight:

France guy comes into town. Wants to have dinner with some of us from the trip. In all honesty, I flipped flopped back and forth about if I wanted to go or not. I didn't by any means want to talk about my heart. Well the first 5 minutes changed me.

He turns to me and says "So tell me what's new since France. What have you been up to?"

I said the casual, "Oh well..a lot. I got a new job and just started 3 weeks ago and it has pretty much been taking up my time."

He says, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I say, "No"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need one."

"hmm. Why?"

"I'm just not ready."

"Why are you running from it?"

BOOM. I laughed & just said "Wow."

He says, "Why do you think you don't need a boyfriend?"

I said "Why do I need one? I haven't had one in 4 years. I'm doing just fine."

"How did it end?"

"Not well."

........ pause.

He looked me straight in the eyes & said, "Don't ever think you aren't good enough."

BOOM AGAIN.

I almost started crying right then and there.

I can pretty much fool anyone! How did he do that?

He then went on about how we lie to ourselves. How God came and made us clean. He said he talked to a girl once & he had asked her what she pictured herself wearing before God. Was it a clean white robe. The girl said absolutely not. That's how I feel. I feel I'm wearing the nastiest clothing with stains all over them.

We get told so much about how unworthy we are of God's love (which is true). How we don't deserve heaven, but God gives it to us anyways, all we need to do it accept it. How nasty our sin is....the thing we forget is that God has taken that sin away. We are without blemish.

We picture ourself clean and pure and white at the time of salvation. When God has taken us as His Child, but we never picture ourselves like that again. That is so true for me. I was ragged, then was saved and was cleansed, and all I've done since then is dirty myself up again when that isn't the truth at all. Yes, we don't deserve Christ's love, but He gave it WILLINGLY. God tells us that we don't have to think about the past, b/c it's already been forgiven. FORGIVEN. How is it years later I'm still trying to understand this concept.

There is so much more that happened within our conversation but basically that was the run down. We sat and talked about stuff for 3.5 hours. It was awesome. He laid down the truth. Hopefully I'll take what he says to heart.

He left me with this conversation . . .

"Tell yourself You are good enough."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder."

Letting Go

I love when God stretches me.

Sometimes he just wants me to give things over to Him. I kick and scream and put up a fight, but once I finally surrender it's such a good feeling.

I have put up a front for quite some time now. I wouldn't allow myself to feel hurt. I felt much stronger shoving my feelings aside and not dealing with things that would make me vulnerable. I didn't want to feel anything. Which, yeah, that can work, and honestly I felt awesome that I had that kind of control to turn my heart on and off. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't need to, b/c I wasn't hurt, right?

False, God broke me Sunday. It's funny how much He knows me better then I know myself. I fooled myself to thinking that I actually didn't care. But the one thing that I do care about was being blockaded by something I wouldn't let go of. Barricaded by something that brought me nothing good, & only caused me to hurt. So Sunday, I let it go. Sometimes I need to face the fact that I can't be my own savior. I know where God wants me. He wants me in Africa, & I want to be there. Right now actually. I realized nothing is greater then that. Nothing is greater then God's plan for me. If I'm not in Africa I know I will not be ultimately happy.

In the grand scheme of things, God's plans for me in Africa are so much greater then the tiny miniscule things that I hold onto daily. You know, when you hold onto something you are basically telling God that He can't handle it. He can't fix it, only you can.

Sometimes you've got to give up in order to grow up.

I'm glad I'm on my way to growing up.

Look Ma! I'm a Big Girl

Today is the start of my life

I officially have a nursing job!

It still hasn't sunk in yet.

It's an amazing feeling to know that I will be able to pay back all of the loans that I owe.

I feel like such a grown up. In a few months I will be a fricking nurse! That's scary and exciting all at once. I'm not really sure if it's hit me yet. I HAVE A JOB, which means Lynchburg is officially my home.

I have a paper to write due Tuesday and then what? That's it! I'm done with nursing school I'm going to France in 9 days. Don't start my job until later in the summer. I just get to hang out! I'm not sure what hanging out means anymore, but I'm excited about it. I graduate from college in 7 days!

whoa

I'm Strange

Things that get me through the day are probably unlike any other person.

Organizing.
I love to organize.

I'll write the same to do list on 3 different pieces of paper & that makes me feel less stressed.
I literally can't wait to pack up my apartment. I can't wait to unpack and organize my new house.

Only 7 more days until I get to do that. YAY! :]

Bargain

Do you ever find yourself bargaining with God?

"If you give me this then I will do this."

"okay, God, I'm going to take it as a sign from you if this happens that I should do this . . ."

First off, talking that way to God is childish

Secondly, sometimes when we ask for a sign He actually does it & we ignore it

I've been praying more then usually this week. Maybe it's b/c I'm praying for someone I genuinely care about, maybe it's b/c I'm at a cross roads and taking that next step in my life as to "Dear God, what am I supposed to be doing?" I don't know why. This week I've been in an emotional battle with God. I'll ask Him to show me something & He does & I ignore it b/c I don't want what He has to say about the situation to be true. Every time I'm in prayer or in worship I can feel God saying, "No," but I won't have it. I don't want to listen even though I ask Him for answers "But God, what if I'm willing to sacrifice the happiness I could have, for being just a little happy? I'll be willing if that means that I can get this!"

This week after I have said that to God multiple times, I step back & I think really? I want to settle? I want to give up God's absolutely BEST for me just b/c I'm holding on to a feeling. In the big picture I can't imagine anything better then what's in my mind. I wish God would just give me a glimpse, but I guess that wouldn't be patience now would it?

I asked God to take something away from me if it is His will, & I think He is slowly taking it away, & I'm not happy about it. at all. I want so badly to take it back. j/k, God. I want to hold onto it a little longer please. I really really need to learn how to let go & let God.

ugh, I feel so bipolar.

b.r.o.k.e.n.

The past 3 years of my life a word that has stuck with me, encouraged me, & just really defined where I have been in my life has been Forgiven. I still don't completely comprehend this word. I don't get how God forgave me or how He loves someone as wretched as myself. To look at the cross and actually realize what it means . . . I have no words

Yesterday I was pondering about my Africa trip last summer. Side Note: I get to go on another trip this summer for 2 1/2 weeks. The original plan was to go to Northern Africa (specifically Tunisia) and learn about Islam and then fly to Southern France to put what we had learned into practice. Walk the streets and share the gospel with those who don't believe. If you've been keeping up with the news you probably know that Tunisia probably isn't the best place to go right now. The entire country is a mess. What interested me in this trip to begin with was the Africa part to be honest. Now that part of the trip will be spent elsewhere in which I haven't found out yet. I'm still very excited though!

As I was thinking about my time last year in Republic of the Congo I recalled all the emotions that I went through while there. Frustration. Disappointment. Surrender. Peace. Once I returned home my thoughts were all over the place. I was still at a place in my life that I had no idea where God wanted me to serve long term. I was a little aggravated that God didn't reveal it to me. What I've come to realize is that He reveals His will in His OWN time. God does not live by a time table like I do. He reveals it little by little. Sometimes His words can just hit you like a ton of bricks. At other times it's soft and subtle.

Since last summer my passion for missions has grown & every time someone says the words "Africa" I get chills all over my body. I'm not saying this is God. It's not even something I can explain. It may not even make sense. But I dare you to put a picture of an African person in front of me and talk about Africa & I will literally burst into tears. It's taking all that I have in me right now not to cry while writing this. I'm broken. I'm broken for these people that haven't even heard the sweet sweet name "Jesus" I hate to say this, but the more and more I live in the US the more and more I hate it. I shouldn't be angry with people that don't know. Not everyone has seen what I have. Not everyone has a passion placed in their heart such as mine. But if you are a Christian & you know about it, you have absolutely no reason to stay here and be complacent. Why don't Christians take His Word literally? When Jesus Himself said, "Go and make disciples of all nations" HE MEANT IT. These were the last words Christ told us. Let that sink in.

Now don't get all crazy on me. I know not everyone is called to the mission field. I know there are people that aren't Christians in the states and they need him too. Well Amen! Those who aren't called to the mission field better be doing something about it. (Myself included while I'm still here) I'm tired of Christians that are doing nothing. There are so many people out there that need Him! I'm not perfect. I worry about my petty things just as much as the next person. But let's put it in context. People are starving! People don't have clean water! People are dying of diseases that can be prevented! People are relying on witch doctors for healing when Christ is the one that can heal ALL of their needs! & oh, I'm stressing out b/c I have a paper to write? Beth, please.

Sorry I go on rants occasionally. But just take a look at what you have. A job, a home, food on the table, running water, a car, a Starbucks. If you are not a missionary you need to be praying daily for those that are out there being persecuted for their belief. Those who gave up the American dream to participate in something larger. I don't even know what this blog was supposed to accomplish. I ramble and don't make sense a lot of the time. But I'm so so thankful God has broken me. That He has placed such a passion in my heart. There is a reason for me being on this earth. & once I discovered that I became a new person. I can't WAIT to get out of the States. Have you ever had something you try so hard to reach? There is a finish line, yet you have weights and people pulling you back. Well the mission field is the finish line & that extra baggage is school, graduation and taking the boards. Once that's done I have nothing holding me back. &. I. Can't. Wait!

Preview

Sometimes I like to just write out my schedule and take a look at what I have coming up, therefore....

Today:
class 7:40-9:40
coffee with friends
work 11-2
class 2-3:15
work again 4:30-9

Wednesday:
work 9-3:45
class 4-6:30
write clinical journal and treatment plan
write article response for Bio Ethics

AA meeting (clincal purpose) 8:00

Thursday:
work 8-1:45
class 2-3:15 (response due)
Dave Barnes in Gboro :]

Friday:
work 8-4:30
write AA paper and journal
Brew the Noise @ 8

Saturday:
Study study study Crit Care
work 4:30-9

Sunday:
study
bridal shower @ 2
church 4-8

Monday:
work 8-4:30
studyyyy

Tuesday:
Presentation 7:40-9:40
coffee with friends
work 11-2
class 2-3:15 (quiz)
STUDY

Wednesday:
work 9-12:45
Crit Care Test @ 1
rest

Thursday:
work 8-4:30
study for finals
Martha and Amy leave for Thailand :[

Friday:
work 8-4:30
study for finals
Coffee House @ 11:30

Saturday:
Brentwood Christmas Party @ 10:30
study
work 4:30-9

Sunday:
study
church 4-8

Monday:
Crit Care Exam

Tuesday:
work 8-3:15
Bio Ethics Exam @ 3:30

Wednesday:
Mental Health Exam @ 10:30
work 1-4:30
SLEEP and breathe

The Power of Words

My reason for writing this may seem trivial to you.

I just found out that my favorite celebrity in the world has checked herself into rehab for emotional issues, eating problems, and for cutting herself. Yeah, I know I'm being dramatic, but this honestly hurts my heart.

This girl is 18 years old. She should not have to go through this, and why do you think she does? People are mean. Words hurt. We think that the opinion of others actually matters. Being a girl, I know where she comes from. It hurts being told you aren't good enough. You aren't pretty enough. Who in the world says that? No one, but you might as well have said that. Guys, when you tell a girl, "You look tired." We don't take that as a compliment. When we get broken up with we think there is something wrong with us, when in reality there's nothing wrong with us. God made us in the way to be pursued and wanted. Guys don't know how to do that anymore I feel. Girls are mean to others. We can't win either way. I don't mean to bash guys, but a lot of the reason girls are so insecure is because of guys!

Why can't we just accept who God made us to be. We are special, and no one else in the world is like us. My heart breaks for the young girls out there that don't think they are good enough. Nothing matters beside what God thinks of us. & we are so so precious in His sight.

I know this post is superficial. But my heart hurts for Demi. She is beautiful. Call me crazy, but I would love to look like her, and be her. & she is 5 years younger then me.

I'm talking to myself here too.

Here's to her recovery and to the hope that she kicks Joe Jonas in the . . .

Happy November!

This was my roommates friends status on facebook. I want to marry this guy.

For one month we shall let our facial hair grow as it was intended to.It is not a contest but a celebration of the privilege we havereceived. A membership to this brotherhood of men is a commitment toexcellence in the field of beard growing. Real men shall band together in defiance of theunnatural social obligation of routine shaving. There are only two types of women:women who love men with beards and lesbians.

ZzZzZzZ

I'm tired.

I know what you might think. We all get tired, right?
False, I'm ALWAYS tired. Always.
Right now I've just finished a 16 oz cup of coffee & I could easily fall into a coma.

I really don't know how much more I can take of just going going going all the time. I work, I'm in school, I work my other job, I work in the hospital, I volunteer at church, I feel like I study all the time. When I force myself to try to relax, I can't. I can barely keep my eyes open & I know I got over 9 hours of sleep last night. I have never wished more for anything in my life. I just want school to be over. I see no end in sight even though I will be done in May. I'm burnt out on life right now. It takes a lot for me to just get up in the mornings. I think I need to actually start listening to my mother and drop some things in my life, so that I can stay sane. But we all know that I won't do that. I have a test (that is not nursing, thank God) in an hour. I feel like I can't even soke in the information. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a mess.

The worst thing is I know next semester it isn't going to get any better. Working in the hospital alone 36 hours every week will not help me rest. Thinking about that already stresses me out. You see why I drink coffee all the time? I need to up my dosage.

I'm so close to giving up

I received this email this week:

Beth,

I just wanted to infrom you that you will need to meet with either Mrs. Akers or myself this week to fill out a risk for failure form. After the 2nd test, your current test average is 75.02. This is very recoverable and we want to make sure you are successful in this course. Let us know when you can meet.

Mrs.**** &Mrs. ***

#Fail

I've talked about it once, I'll talk about it again.

We as humans are failures. Every day of our lives.

Sometimes it's good though that we are reminded, that way it keeps us from thinking that we can do it ourselves.

The past 2 weeks in church have rocked my world. Matt Cote challenged us to a 40 day renewal to spend time in God's Word everyday. He gave us a statistic that very few Christians actually read their Bible. I was shocked to hear that, but should I be when I am one that doesn't read it? I find it so so difficult to spend time in the Word. I can't figure it out. So I agreed to do the 40 day challenge. I did the first 3 days. Its been over a week. Day 4 I actually forgot b/c I was so busy, but is that a good excuse? I'm too busy for God? I plan to pick back up where I left off, but what's wrong with me that I think I'm above reading God's Word?

Matt and Jon both very well pointed out that God's Word is His love letter to us! It's His masterpiece FOR ME. Matt said "Excuses are good , but either you read the Bible or not, if you aren't you are saying you don't want God to have authority over your life." Whoa. Whooooooa.

I've gotten off to a rough start, but I do want to become more like Christ. I want to learn about Him, and I want to read His letter that He wrote for me. Why would I not? I do want God to have authority over my life.

Also Nic read this verse during worship and it made me cry.

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." - 1 Peter 2:21-24

Pieces of my Heart

I tend to hand my heart out too easily

Most of the time it's to boys (I've learned my lesson there)

But this time it was to a country

I just returned from one of the best trips of my life. By no means do I regret anything I've done that led me to point where I am now. It took tons of mistakes and trials to understand what God/where God wanted me. It took years of molding to lead me to this point in my life. Required me to give a lot to God. So many years I didn't know God's plan for my life. I can boldly say now that God wants me over seas serving Him in the best way that I can, and that's nursing.

I left May 21, 2010 to embark on a trip to Impfondo, Africa. There lies a 50 bed hospital started by Dr. Harvey. They get everything from gun shot victims from the war across the river, to emergency surgeries, to people falling out of trees to retrieve honey. Our trip to arrive in this region was long and involved some missed flights. Finally on May 25th we made it to Impfondo, Congo. My first thought of Impfondo: breath taking. You probably think that means it was beautiful and there were just no words to describe it. You would be wrong. I literally couldn't breath when I stepped of the plane because it was so hot. It was miserable. I immediately started sweating. Impression # 1 of Impfondo: not very good. We get the tour of everything, and get informed that we will have to take Vermox (a worm medicine) when we leave b/c we WILL have worms by the time we leave. Impression # 2: getting worse. We get the tour of our housing. Impression # 3: faith plummeting. Went to bed with a huge spider above my bed. Impression # 4: I cried. To say the least, I was not feeling too well about the trip.

The first day of work was phenomenal. I was paired with 2 girls from the US meaning I didn't have to struggle to understand French. Thank you, Jesus. The first week I was on the Surgery wards & sometimes in surgery. It was amazing. I did that for 3 days & then it was the weekend. I was able to see a lot of stuff. I was able to help out in surgery (& assist! which is doctor stuff!) Lets talk about the "air conditioning" for the OR. Well, there was a wall unit that was set at 77 degrees, but when the patient gets cold laying there then it gets cut off. If you have never scrubbed in on a surgery in the Congo before you will never know the heat that radiates from your body. You've got scrubs, a heavy jacket over that, gloves over that, goggles, a mask, and a hat. You are suffocating & you are in a sterile environment, so you can't scratch when your face itches, can't push your goggles up b/c they are falling down your nose, & most definitely can't wipe the sweat that is now dripping from your brow. Let's also talk about how they don't have anesthesia over there, so the patients are awake while you have their intestines outside their body. Awesome. Don't worry. They had an epidural so I'm sure they couldn't feel a thing! All that to say, I love the OR.

The next week I had community with Sarah Speer (& Deborah, a girl from my group) That week was such a blessing. I've never in my life met someone who has such a heart for people. Sarah just loves. That's what she does. We would go out on bikes and ride miles to visit people in the community that needed help. We would do assessments & then Sarah would prescribe some medication & then would follow up with them. She just loves the Congolese people with such a passion. I can't even describe it. She even started a leprosy center for the people with leprosy. (Yes, people still have leprosy) You may be thinking why would I go there? I'm going to get leprosy, right? False. I found out you have to carry some sort of gene in order to contract the disease, & I don't have that gene. I went and was able to love on them & even got to share my testimony. :] They were amazing, & I was able to understand the value of washing people's feet (like in Biblical time) He cleaned their toeless feet, and they were so grateful. I'm so glad that I was able to take part in that.

The third week I was meds/peds so I covered 3 wards (women's medicine, men's medicine, and pediatrics) I finally learned how to read the patient charts that week. It was a lot of giving meds & taking vitals & trying to convey English to the Africans. I try to stay humble, but one day my pride rose a lot. Two of the girls from our group were on community that week, so they weren't on the hospital grounds. The one other girl in our group was on Surgery that week and was in the OR. So me and Megan did meds and vitals for the entire hospital. We couldn't even find actual nurses to the hosptial, & no one died! I felt so amazing that I'm finally understanding what I'm doing & starting to have the confidence that I AM a good nurse. It was amazing.

That same week though we had a group meeting and were going to talk about the trip so far and what God has been teaching us. Our leader, Rachel, opened up the floor, so I decided to take the stage. What I had to say wasn't happy though. So far on the trip I had liked it, but their were a couple days that I just was in a bad mood. I was hot. I was tired. I was gross. I felt that I expected this huge moment in which God would tell me where He wanted me to be on the mission field, or some huge revalation. I got nothing. So that made me extremely frustrated, & I vented those feelings. Some of the people on our team were actually feeling the same way. We all expected God to speak to us. All of us are wanting to be missionaries, and we all have no idea where God is wanting us to go. After that day, I started praying that God would fix my attitude. Of course He did, and from then on the trip was amazing beyond belief.

The 4th week I was there I had the ER/ICU part of the hospital (which I was dreading) All the nurses in that part speak French, so I was extremely nervous. It turned out to be an awesome week. There was some downtime, so I just went around the hospital & helped everyone that needed some help. I was able to put in my first NG tube (a tube that goes into the stomach through the nose, yikes) & I put it in successfully. It was great. This week I kind of caught a bug that everyone else seemed to be catching as well, so Rachel let me rest a day, & I was able to recover :]

The final full week there I was on Mother/Baby with Amanda. One of the most rewarding and frustrating weeks. Frustrating in the fact of the French/English barrier & the nurses thinking we didn't know what we were doing when in fact we did. Thank God I had Amanda with me that week. We had TONS of laughs. Rewarding in the fact that I was able to deliver a baby! I also was able to participate in 2 different C-sections.

We also got to walk down to the circle and watch the World Cup on a big screen (not something I would have envisioned being in Impfondo haha) The Africans were so loving, and celebrated with us when the US won a couple games. It was amazing. They would grab us and start jumping up and down.

I learned so much. God opened my heart to the people there & I fell in love. You know, it's not about WHERE God wants you to go. He says GO. I went, and I want to go again. Anywhere. I've been so set on where God wants me, thinking life is going to be awful if I don't hear His call to a certain country. Wrong. God is not going to punish me if I go to India instead of Thailand, or Brazil instead of Africa. Everyone needs Jesus. I could go anywhere in the world, and I feel as though God would be happy that I obeyed and went. I would never take back this experience ever.

When I arrived back in the States (& after I got my Starbucks) I got so sad. Granted I was awake for 40 hours straight due to the annoying kid kicking my seat and the flight attendants waking you up every hour to eat. But I just laid on my bed, and of course, my mom always knows when I'm upset, & I just cried. I missed my team already. I missed Africa already, and I had the overwhelming need to toss my clothes and get rid of so much stuff. It's not fair that I have so much, and there are people in the world that have nothing. NOTHING. I had major culture shock for a month or so.

I loved this trip, & I'm searching for another missions trip to go on over Christmas break or in May. God commands that we spread the Word. & I want to obey. This trip was definitely life changing. I actually just got word this week that a patient we cared for the entire 5 weeks we were there died of AIDS. He was 16 years old. But I can rejoice b/c he accepted Christ while we were there. We may not be able to heal everyone physical, but Christ can heal their spirit & that's why I love to share about Him.

In the words of the great Jon Dupin, "Go change the world!"