Growing Pains

I don't write much. This we all know (we as in maybe the 2 people that will read this)

This year has been absolutely amazing and extremely awful. It's definitely been a growing experience for me. This time last year I was not the woman I am today. You probably would have never been able to tell because I was very good at masking things, except to my close friends. (or so I thought I was good at it) I've done a 180 from who I was last year & I could not be more grateful for the prayers and love I received from everyone.

With that said, if I was the person I was a year ago I don't know how I would have handled this year. This year can be summed up as the year of loss for me. I  gained everything I ever wanted and lost it all in the same year. Don't get me wrong, My life is definitely not in shambles. I am very thankful for what God has brought me through.

I ended up posting mostly all the blogs that I wrote but saved as drafts, because I wasn't ready for people to read them. That is just a glimpse into my life last year. I hit bottom. I questioned everything I ever knew about God. I didn't receive His love, & I didn't want it. I thought so little of myself, and it showed. I didn't accept anything good, because I knew I didn't deserve it...

Until God blessed me with someone who changed my perspective on myself and God's love for me. This person showed me so much about God's love whether they knew it or not that I finally was able to accept it little by little. It was the acceptance of one person that made me realize God wants me even if I push Him out. It was that moment sitting on my couch that God told me this is just a miniscule amount of my love for you.

Months have gone since that moment. Many things have changed in my life. One of my best friends in Lynchburg who I saw every day and is my rock, got engaged and moved 2 hours away from me. My boyfriend who I thought I was spending the rest of my life with broke up with me. My unit at work is going through a ton of changes that are hard and taking a toll on me. We lost our unit manager. All my closest co-workers are actually leaving and getting new jobs. My roommate and close friend for 5 years may be moving back home.

Like I said everything that I was blessed with has been stripped from me. I'm amazed though because through this year of loss, God has grown me.

I went to Africa again where we all know my heart is. I've grown to love church again, and I walk away every Sunday overwhelmed with love for the friends I have grown to know since going to Uganda. I found an awesome small group that encourages me every week. I've never had a love for scripture like I do now. Working on CICU has brought me a friend that I am beyond grateful for and wouldn't give up for anything. I finally feel confident as a nurse. My bestest friend in the world moved back to Greensboro from Nashville.  I've given up my plan for my life and handed it to God.

They say bad things happen in threes. I wish! It's one thing after the other for me, but I FINALLY can say I have the confidence to stand tall and smile knowing that God is in control.

Bring on 2013

Enough (written on 8/4/12)

Ever feel like your not enough? I do every single day of my life.

I could be a better nurse.
I could be a better friend.
I'm not spiritual enough.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not thin enough.

Sometimes I feel like a constant disappointment to friends, coworkers, especially God. I never take what God says as truth. A friend told me this past week that I needed to believe I am righteous in the eyes of God. I told her I had a hard time believing that. She responded back by telling me that the funny thing about that is, we can choose not to believe it, but that doesn't mean that it's not truth regardless. She told me that I needed to start believing God's Word as truth. God doesn't need me. I need Him. The glorious thing about that is He takes me as I am. I'm not enough, but God is.

Psalm 103
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Real Talk. (written on 5/22/12)

I feel like the only time I write in here is when I am going through something huge. If anyone even reads this I'm sure they think I'm crazy. I don't care. For me, writing helps me compose my thoughts, so here I am yet again.

The past several months have been weird. Weird in a manner that I've felt things I've never felt before . . feelings towards God.

Anger. Abandonment. Bitterness. Apathy. Unbelief.

I voiced this to some of my closest friends. Typically I like to keep these things to myself. I'm the type of person that doesn't ask for help and hates when people try to help me. I'm the "I can do it on my own" type. Like good friends do, they were obviously concerned. They reached out and prayed for me. This made me even more aggravated. I genuinely didn't want their prayers. My thoughts were "Pray for something that matters. Pray for people that need it. I'm perfectly fine." I honestly did not want God's help or my friend's help. This led me to the belief that God was absent in my life. I continually pushed Him out and wanted nothing to do with Him.

The fact that I had to work every single weekend made it easy to avoid church. For the first time in my life I did not want to be at church. When I had the chance to go, I was uncomfortable. I didn't listen to anything the pastor said. I didn't sing the songs (which is weird for me because I love to sing) I put on my church face, and was glad to get out of there when it was over. I have never felt like God was so far away before, and I didn't even care.

Fortunately my friends continually asked me questions and encouraged me.

Friend would say, "I hope you don't mind me continually speaking truth to you."

I would say, "As long as you don't mind losing, b/c you won't win this battle."

Long story short. The battle still is not won. I think other people have been redeemed. I believe they have been forgiven. I strongly believe that God loves people immensely, but for some reason I don't believe any of that for myself in the least bit. Sometimes I just think it's easier to believe God has left me. Why else am I such a mess? If He is "so active" in my life then why hasn't He fixed me? It's tough to think He's here and is not doing anything in my life. I'm not saying I somewhat still don't feel like this. I don't like people getting close to me. I won't let them. Maybe this is the feeling that has led me to push God out. Who knows.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I do know this . . . I'm glad I have friends that fight for me when I've completely given up on myself.

All I know is that I'm a disaster, but from what I hear God takes me as I am.