23 seems like a dreadful age

Sorry guys, but this maybe a sad entry.

Today I turned 23 years of age. I know that may sound young to some people but for me I feel like I am 40 years old. Yes, I am dramatic, but that's how it is. Seriously. I almost cried about it yesterday b/c I did not want today to come. I know, I'm pathetic.

It was weird, b/c without meaning to I completely blocked my birthday from my memory. I'm not kidding, I was thinking about all the good things to come when I was driving back to NC from VA. Christmas, New Years with my best friends, going to DC with Meghan . . & then I was like "oh, my birthday" I had forgot until my friend Martha text me and told me Happy Birthday.

So I tried to figure out why I dreaded it so bad. Then it clicked. I'm fricking 23! I'm not supposed to be in school. I should be done. I should be an adult. But here I am in my 5th year of college, having to go through one more year in order to get done. 6 years of college just for an undergrad. That's effin ridiculous. Another reason, in "my plan" for my life I was supposed to get married when I was 23. Now here I am, and I don't even have a boyfriend. & I definitely don't even have the ability and strength to handle a relationship right now. I promise this is not a pity thing where I am so sad that I am 23 and single. I honest to God do NOT have time for a boyfriend, and I don't mind that I don't have one. It's just that fact that I am no where close to where I thought I would be at this time in my life. But I really just need to come to terms with God that it is all in His timing and not mine.

On a happy note, I was accepted to go to the Congo for 6 weeks this summer. I do realize that God is trying to prepare me for what is next. I should be excited about all this, and don't get me wrong I am. But it is so hard to grasp that God wants to use me in such a huge way. That I have to let go of relationships I have here and just trust in God and leave eventually to pursue nursing on the mission field. I feel so inadequate and unprepared for this, yet I know this is my purpose. It's crazy. I feel like this coming semester is going to be nuts compared to last since I have accepted this position. I just need prayer and renewal.

I know 2010 will be a good year and 23 will be awesome, but as for right now, I just want to go to sleep, b/c I feel like an old fart.

Here Am I

just realized one thing that gets to me more then anything in the world. & that's me and missions. I received an email a couple days ago from one of my nursing instructors opening up the opportunity of going to Africa this summer for a little over a month to work in a hospital and work in missions there. If anyone knows me, they know that God has called me overseas to do nursing missions & this summer I wanted to take the opportunity to go to see how it was and familiarize myself with it. So I emailed her back and told her I was interested.

Today I received a reply from her asking me to fill out a resume and send it back to her by tomorrow. There are only 5 spots open for this trip. I started filling it out and called my mom. (I always call her when I need prayer which is always by the way) I just wanted her to pray that I say the right things and that if this is God's will that He open to door. Well I almost lost it & started crying when I was telling my mom about it.

I find it strange that I have been so stressed out due to school, work, and life in general this semester that I haven't cried since September. & again if you know me AT ALL you know I cry about something at least twice a month. (after all, I am a girl) I have been so busy that I literally have no time to cry, even though I probably have more to cry about right now then I ever have. Yet whenever missions is mentioned anywhere I get tears in my eyes.

I know that God has called me to do this. & I WILL do it. I just find it amazing that God can break my hardened heart over something I haven't done, or someone I haven't met. I'm so blessed that God has called me to do this. I am so incapable of such a task without Him, yet He allows me of all people, He calls me of all people. His love wows me everyday.

I pray that I do get this internship in the Congo. If not, then it wasn't God's will. I just find it amazing that once God calls you to do something He creates your heart to long for that. I have never felt this way about anything before & it's difficult to explain. But I want to go. Send me, Lord.

Killing Time

What does one do when they try to avoid homework?

make a blog, friends.