This is not my normal blog post

I wrote this a while back & just now decided to post it. oops

I've been a nurse almost 3 years. Three years on August 29th to be exact. I've spent my first years of being a nurse on the Cardiothoracic Intensive Care. My old unit (Cardiac Intensive Care) merged with our sister unit (Cardiovascular Recovery Unit) a year and a half ago. Shout out to my girls! (and 4 boys) We get all kinds of patients. Heart attacks, open heart surgeries, lung surgeries, people with an onset of new heart rhythms that need to be treated, post codes, blah blah blah. Basically WE ARE BUSY. All the time.

Let me preface what I'm about to say with this . . . I LOVE my job. Absolutely love it. I wouldn't want to be on another unit. I adore my coworkers and honestly we have the best doctors. I don't see my self doing anything else. It seems like everyone, and I mean everyone, always asks me what's the next step. Am I going to go back to school? Do I want to be a Nurse Practitioner? The answer is always no. I want to be bedside. I love the patients I get. To some it up, I love what I do. 

I was talking with a friend some time ago about how stressful my job is, things I have to put up with, how nurses don't get paid enough for what they do, etc. He looked me in the face and told me that everyone thinks their job is the hardest and that they should be paid more. My job was no different. I wanted to choke him out. 

No one understands what nurses go through unless you are a nurse. Truly. We put up with poop, throw up, blood, other bodily fluids that get on you and do it with a smile on our face. We are overworked, underpaid and exhausted. The hospital is always at max capacity. We are trying to move patients out to get patients in. We've actually had a patient just waiting in a stretcher in the hall because we did not have a room. We are not only the nurse, we are the family support, the educator, the babysitter, you name it. The doctors expect us to know everything about the patient even when we just got them to the unit 2 minutes ago. We get yelled at, punched, blamed, sued and all we get for it is a strain in our back from making sure you are as comfortable as possible in the bed. 

I tell myself I love my job, because I have to. I can't count the amount of times I've looked into someones eyes as they stopped breathing, as the family is just looking at me to save their life, or to comfort them. The amount of times I've placed my stethoscope on a patient's chest only to follow up with, "I'm so sorry. He/She has passed away." The amount of times I've stood and hugged a family member as they cried. When I first started out I wanted to keep a journal of all the things that changed me as a nurse. When I realized one serious event after another happens in a cardiac intensive care I stopped writing it all down because I couldn't keep up. 

I don't think in other jobs you go home with the guilt that you told a family member you would take care of their loved one and then they died while they were gone.  I don't think in other jobs you feel ribs breaking underneath your hands while you are compressing their chest. I don't think in other jobs one minute you are laughing with someone and then next they are dead. I don't think in other jobs you cry in the bathroom as often. I don't think in other jobs you carry the weight of all that home with you only to know you will have to do it all again the next day.

Nurses are so strong, not physically, but mentally. We have to be. When I lost a patient yesterday I had to stop crying in the bathroom and put on a front to my other critically ill patient's family that I was fine and that I was going to give the best care to their family member. Because that's what nurses do. We take care of you and your family when our lives sometimes feel like they are falling apart. We not only have things we deal with personally, but we also take home the patients/family members struggles and hurts.

So next time I don't hang out after work and want to go to bed at 8:30, don't laugh at me.  

True Freedom

I am much better with words and conveying my feelings on paper/blog then speaking. Ask anyone, I suck at talking. This post I started writing on March 25, 2013 while I was sitting at Starbucks. I never posted it (obviously) I'm not sure why, but from March 25th til this day July 18th, I've been besties with the Israelites. It's funny how God throws stuff in your face sometimes.

On March 6 a close friend called me out and told me that so and so wasn't my problem, I was my problem. Then she told me to listen to a specific sermon about the Israelites.

March 25- the day I originally wrote this post was the day I read some of Exodus out of my Bible app

RIGHT AFTER I typed up this whole blog, I got an email from a friend telling me to buy a book that we would read through together. The book? Redemption. What's it about? Oh, ya know, the Israelites.

In the middle of that I began reading a different book about prayer, and in the beginning the author spoke of the Israelites.

I just now finished the first book. Yes, it took me forever. There were definitely some days I didn't want to read it. But from that point til now, almost all of my friends have brought up the Israelites and their journey to find freedom.

With that said, here's what I wrote . . .

I constantly feel like I'm in bondage to something, and by something I most definitely mean sin. I find myself never truly feeling free from it. Why is that? Is it because Satan constantly reminds me of my failures? Is it because I don't feel like I can accept the true love of Christ? Probably both.

Here I am again learning from ordinary people of the Bible. Lessons that I continue to learn. It's honestly encouraging that people in the Bible are similar to me. Thanks, Jesus, for making the Bible relatable. 

This time I learn from the Israelites. 

Imagine being in slavery for years, and then someone shows up to let you go. Awesome, right? But then you have to walk through the wilderness to get to the place you are called to be, where God wants you to be. 

This is what I mean . . . 

"As Pharaoh approached, the people of Israel looked up and panicked when they saw the Egyptians overtaking them. They cried out to the Lord, and they said to Moses, "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? What have you done to us? Why did you make us leave Egypt? Didn't we tell you this would happen while we were still in Egypt? We said, "Leave us alone! LET US BE SLAVES TO THE EGYPTIANS. It's better to be a slave in Egypt than a corpse in the wilderness!" (Exodus 14:10-12)

First off, the Israelites would have rather died in SLAVERY then die on their way to the Promised Land. This statement gets to me in several ways. This just shows me that they have no faith in God whatsoever. They would rather be complacent in slavery, doing nothing with their lives then to take a risk for some thing God has called them to do. God has promised them such great things and in this moment when Pharaoh is catching up to them they give up all hope. 

Ever feel like God has called you to do something and it's taking FOREVER for his promises to prove true? I like to give up, and I often do. I don't see the promises He has in store. I'm the one that actually turns away from God and walks back to what holds me captive with open arms. At least His people didn't turn around, like I so often do. 

Israelites: 1 Beth: 0

but alas

"But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." (Exodus 14:13-14)

Isn't it so much better to go in the way God has called you even with trials instead of being a slave to whatever binds you. I'm grateful God knows the outcome. 

Just rest in that fact. God is fighting for you, just be calm.

God: 970,387,546,282,007,468,200 Beth: 0

There is so much more that I've learned from the book of Exodus and things I've learned about myself that I never realized; my idols, how much I complain, the fact that I don't trust God, my selfishness, how prideful I am, the list goes on and on and on. I'm human, and I definitely don't claim to be perfect in ANY way, but for some reason I never understood the Israelites until now. I thought they were ridiculous, and in more ways than a few I am exactly like them.

I don't like trials. I don't like difficulty. I don't like listening to others. I like to do everything, and I mean EVERYTHING on my own. I don't like not knowing what's ahead. Basically I don't trust God. Ouch. It's an amazing thing to know that God loves me regardless. Wouldn't I rather Him know my path, then me anyways? I'd rather Him write my story any day, yet it's much easier for me to say that then believe whole-heartedly in that fact.

I'm not perfect. Frankly I'm a broken shell of a woman that thinks I have to earn my keep, but lucky for me God fills in those shattered cracks without payment. His payment was enough & THAT, my friends, is a fact I need to learn.

He truly is the freedom I've been searching for.

Perspective

So there's this guy. Joseph.

Loved by his father. Hated by his brothers. Sold into slavery. Close with the pharaoh. Thrown in jail falsely. Stayed there for years. Forgotten while in jail. Once remembered came to reign.

Joseph should be so pissed, right? I would be! Sure take the good with the bad but he was just done wrong. Yet he didn't keep a grudge.

When revealing who he was to his brothers finally he says, "Don't be upset, and don't be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. IT WAS GOD WHO SENT ME HERE ahead of you to preserve your lives. IT WAS GOD WHO SENT ME HERE, not you!"

Sometimes I wish that I could respond in that manner. Joseph remained faithful to God for years and didn't blame his brothers for the hell we went through. He gives glory to God for placing him where he was. When people do me wrong, I feel like I blame them constantly. "Look what you did to me. I"m like this because of you, and I don't like you because of that."

Why do I find it so difficult to let grudges go? Why do I blame God when something minor doesn't go the way that I would like it to? Joseph was also human. Same flesh and blood that I have. Nothing special, but he followed Christ. He trusted in Christ. He basically is saying (from my understanding of this story) that God sent him through those trials & God is the one who gets the praise He deserves at the end of it.

That one verse just rocked my world today. I need to realize that God does have a plan for me. I'm not in jail. I wasn't thrown in a pit by my brothers and sold because I was hated by them. Yet I fall apart daily. I'm not putting Joseph on a pedestal, because I'm sure that while he was going through the valleys he questioned God the same way I do unfortunately.

I'd love to have that attitude though, of God sent me through this because of .... fill in the blank. My story is still being written, but at the end of it I pray I have that attitude. Not an attitude of, "Why did you do this, God? but God sent me here & praise His name for it!

Growing Pains

I don't write much. This we all know (we as in maybe the 2 people that will read this)

This year has been absolutely amazing and extremely awful. It's definitely been a growing experience for me. This time last year I was not the woman I am today. You probably would have never been able to tell because I was very good at masking things, except to my close friends. (or so I thought I was good at it) I've done a 180 from who I was last year & I could not be more grateful for the prayers and love I received from everyone.

With that said, if I was the person I was a year ago I don't know how I would have handled this year. This year can be summed up as the year of loss for me. I  gained everything I ever wanted and lost it all in the same year. Don't get me wrong, My life is definitely not in shambles. I am very thankful for what God has brought me through.

I ended up posting mostly all the blogs that I wrote but saved as drafts, because I wasn't ready for people to read them. That is just a glimpse into my life last year. I hit bottom. I questioned everything I ever knew about God. I didn't receive His love, & I didn't want it. I thought so little of myself, and it showed. I didn't accept anything good, because I knew I didn't deserve it...

Until God blessed me with someone who changed my perspective on myself and God's love for me. This person showed me so much about God's love whether they knew it or not that I finally was able to accept it little by little. It was the acceptance of one person that made me realize God wants me even if I push Him out. It was that moment sitting on my couch that God told me this is just a miniscule amount of my love for you.

Months have gone since that moment. Many things have changed in my life. One of my best friends in Lynchburg who I saw every day and is my rock, got engaged and moved 2 hours away from me. My boyfriend who I thought I was spending the rest of my life with broke up with me. My unit at work is going through a ton of changes that are hard and taking a toll on me. We lost our unit manager. All my closest co-workers are actually leaving and getting new jobs. My roommate and close friend for 5 years may be moving back home.

Like I said everything that I was blessed with has been stripped from me. I'm amazed though because through this year of loss, God has grown me.

I went to Africa again where we all know my heart is. I've grown to love church again, and I walk away every Sunday overwhelmed with love for the friends I have grown to know since going to Uganda. I found an awesome small group that encourages me every week. I've never had a love for scripture like I do now. Working on CICU has brought me a friend that I am beyond grateful for and wouldn't give up for anything. I finally feel confident as a nurse. My bestest friend in the world moved back to Greensboro from Nashville.  I've given up my plan for my life and handed it to God.

They say bad things happen in threes. I wish! It's one thing after the other for me, but I FINALLY can say I have the confidence to stand tall and smile knowing that God is in control.

Bring on 2013

Enough (written on 8/4/12)

Ever feel like your not enough? I do every single day of my life.

I could be a better nurse.
I could be a better friend.
I'm not spiritual enough.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not pretty enough.
I'm not thin enough.

Sometimes I feel like a constant disappointment to friends, coworkers, especially God. I never take what God says as truth. A friend told me this past week that I needed to believe I am righteous in the eyes of God. I told her I had a hard time believing that. She responded back by telling me that the funny thing about that is, we can choose not to believe it, but that doesn't mean that it's not truth regardless. She told me that I needed to start believing God's Word as truth. God doesn't need me. I need Him. The glorious thing about that is He takes me as I am. I'm not enough, but God is.

Psalm 103
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Real Talk. (written on 5/22/12)

I feel like the only time I write in here is when I am going through something huge. If anyone even reads this I'm sure they think I'm crazy. I don't care. For me, writing helps me compose my thoughts, so here I am yet again.

The past several months have been weird. Weird in a manner that I've felt things I've never felt before . . feelings towards God.

Anger. Abandonment. Bitterness. Apathy. Unbelief.

I voiced this to some of my closest friends. Typically I like to keep these things to myself. I'm the type of person that doesn't ask for help and hates when people try to help me. I'm the "I can do it on my own" type. Like good friends do, they were obviously concerned. They reached out and prayed for me. This made me even more aggravated. I genuinely didn't want their prayers. My thoughts were "Pray for something that matters. Pray for people that need it. I'm perfectly fine." I honestly did not want God's help or my friend's help. This led me to the belief that God was absent in my life. I continually pushed Him out and wanted nothing to do with Him.

The fact that I had to work every single weekend made it easy to avoid church. For the first time in my life I did not want to be at church. When I had the chance to go, I was uncomfortable. I didn't listen to anything the pastor said. I didn't sing the songs (which is weird for me because I love to sing) I put on my church face, and was glad to get out of there when it was over. I have never felt like God was so far away before, and I didn't even care.

Fortunately my friends continually asked me questions and encouraged me.

Friend would say, "I hope you don't mind me continually speaking truth to you."

I would say, "As long as you don't mind losing, b/c you won't win this battle."

Long story short. The battle still is not won. I think other people have been redeemed. I believe they have been forgiven. I strongly believe that God loves people immensely, but for some reason I don't believe any of that for myself in the least bit. Sometimes I just think it's easier to believe God has left me. Why else am I such a mess? If He is "so active" in my life then why hasn't He fixed me? It's tough to think He's here and is not doing anything in my life. I'm not saying I somewhat still don't feel like this. I don't like people getting close to me. I won't let them. Maybe this is the feeling that has led me to push God out. Who knows.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I do know this . . . I'm glad I have friends that fight for me when I've completely given up on myself.

All I know is that I'm a disaster, but from what I hear God takes me as I am.

This Is It

If you know me at all, you know that when I freak out, I freak out to the max.

I may not voice it all the time, but on the inside I feel like I might explode.

Tonight I am going to my very first shift as a nurse. I'm off orientation, so it's just me...planning care for a patient, having their lives in my hands, the one responsible for their care. Does this warrant a panic attack? Yes it does.

Tonight while I was catching up on last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and putting on makeup I just began to cry. You would think that I cried b/c I'm stressed out. Sure, that may have played a part, but I more began to cry b/c I was looking at myself in the mirror and I just felt God say, "This is it. I've brought you right here to this point. You are ready."

As I sat there & just looked at myself I began to realize, the grueling 6 weeks of Sophomore year in the summer, the sleepless nights of Junior year, the stress of Senior year, and my 12 weeks of orientation all boil down to right now. Literally the past 3 years of my life I did not think I would make it, yet here I am. It's comforting to know that God's plans work out when you think they never will. I've been learning and training since summer of 2009 to be right here, and I'm so thankful God has brought me here. I feel like for once in my life God is smiling on me. I feel like for the first time in my life I have finally made Him proud. This is it.

Here goes nothing.