Real Talk. (written on 5/22/12)

I feel like the only time I write in here is when I am going through something huge. If anyone even reads this I'm sure they think I'm crazy. I don't care. For me, writing helps me compose my thoughts, so here I am yet again.

The past several months have been weird. Weird in a manner that I've felt things I've never felt before . . feelings towards God.

Anger. Abandonment. Bitterness. Apathy. Unbelief.

I voiced this to some of my closest friends. Typically I like to keep these things to myself. I'm the type of person that doesn't ask for help and hates when people try to help me. I'm the "I can do it on my own" type. Like good friends do, they were obviously concerned. They reached out and prayed for me. This made me even more aggravated. I genuinely didn't want their prayers. My thoughts were "Pray for something that matters. Pray for people that need it. I'm perfectly fine." I honestly did not want God's help or my friend's help. This led me to the belief that God was absent in my life. I continually pushed Him out and wanted nothing to do with Him.

The fact that I had to work every single weekend made it easy to avoid church. For the first time in my life I did not want to be at church. When I had the chance to go, I was uncomfortable. I didn't listen to anything the pastor said. I didn't sing the songs (which is weird for me because I love to sing) I put on my church face, and was glad to get out of there when it was over. I have never felt like God was so far away before, and I didn't even care.

Fortunately my friends continually asked me questions and encouraged me.

Friend would say, "I hope you don't mind me continually speaking truth to you."

I would say, "As long as you don't mind losing, b/c you won't win this battle."

Long story short. The battle still is not won. I think other people have been redeemed. I believe they have been forgiven. I strongly believe that God loves people immensely, but for some reason I don't believe any of that for myself in the least bit. Sometimes I just think it's easier to believe God has left me. Why else am I such a mess? If He is "so active" in my life then why hasn't He fixed me? It's tough to think He's here and is not doing anything in my life. I'm not saying I somewhat still don't feel like this. I don't like people getting close to me. I won't let them. Maybe this is the feeling that has led me to push God out. Who knows.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I do know this . . . I'm glad I have friends that fight for me when I've completely given up on myself.

All I know is that I'm a disaster, but from what I hear God takes me as I am.

This Is It

If you know me at all, you know that when I freak out, I freak out to the max.

I may not voice it all the time, but on the inside I feel like I might explode.

Tonight I am going to my very first shift as a nurse. I'm off orientation, so it's just me...planning care for a patient, having their lives in my hands, the one responsible for their care. Does this warrant a panic attack? Yes it does.

Tonight while I was catching up on last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy and putting on makeup I just began to cry. You would think that I cried b/c I'm stressed out. Sure, that may have played a part, but I more began to cry b/c I was looking at myself in the mirror and I just felt God say, "This is it. I've brought you right here to this point. You are ready."

As I sat there & just looked at myself I began to realize, the grueling 6 weeks of Sophomore year in the summer, the sleepless nights of Junior year, the stress of Senior year, and my 12 weeks of orientation all boil down to right now. Literally the past 3 years of my life I did not think I would make it, yet here I am. It's comforting to know that God's plans work out when you think they never will. I've been learning and training since summer of 2009 to be right here, and I'm so thankful God has brought me here. I feel like for once in my life God is smiling on me. I feel like for the first time in my life I have finally made Him proud. This is it.

Here goes nothing.

Clean

Tonight was unexpected to say the least.

I had dinner with a couple people that I went to France with this past May.

Background:

I LOVED that trip. I really did, but coming back home I realized I had a ton of walls up during the trip. Our leader in France likes to discuss what he calls "matters of the heart" & honestly I don't ever want to talk about that. I don't see the point in talking about deep things to people that I barely know. Why let them into my thoughts and feelings when they don't deserve to know these things? So I went out of my way to avoid any and all topics that would lead conversation to that direction & when I got caught up in it once I averted it.

Back to tonight:

France guy comes into town. Wants to have dinner with some of us from the trip. In all honesty, I flipped flopped back and forth about if I wanted to go or not. I didn't by any means want to talk about my heart. Well the first 5 minutes changed me.

He turns to me and says "So tell me what's new since France. What have you been up to?"

I said the casual, "Oh well..a lot. I got a new job and just started 3 weeks ago and it has pretty much been taking up my time."

He says, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

I say, "No"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need one."

"hmm. Why?"

"I'm just not ready."

"Why are you running from it?"

BOOM. I laughed & just said "Wow."

He says, "Why do you think you don't need a boyfriend?"

I said "Why do I need one? I haven't had one in 4 years. I'm doing just fine."

"How did it end?"

"Not well."

........ pause.

He looked me straight in the eyes & said, "Don't ever think you aren't good enough."

BOOM AGAIN.

I almost started crying right then and there.

I can pretty much fool anyone! How did he do that?

He then went on about how we lie to ourselves. How God came and made us clean. He said he talked to a girl once & he had asked her what she pictured herself wearing before God. Was it a clean white robe. The girl said absolutely not. That's how I feel. I feel I'm wearing the nastiest clothing with stains all over them.

We get told so much about how unworthy we are of God's love (which is true). How we don't deserve heaven, but God gives it to us anyways, all we need to do it accept it. How nasty our sin is....the thing we forget is that God has taken that sin away. We are without blemish.

We picture ourself clean and pure and white at the time of salvation. When God has taken us as His Child, but we never picture ourselves like that again. That is so true for me. I was ragged, then was saved and was cleansed, and all I've done since then is dirty myself up again when that isn't the truth at all. Yes, we don't deserve Christ's love, but He gave it WILLINGLY. God tells us that we don't have to think about the past, b/c it's already been forgiven. FORGIVEN. How is it years later I'm still trying to understand this concept.

There is so much more that happened within our conversation but basically that was the run down. We sat and talked about stuff for 3.5 hours. It was awesome. He laid down the truth. Hopefully I'll take what he says to heart.

He left me with this conversation . . .

"Tell yourself You are good enough."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder."

Letting Go

I love when God stretches me.

Sometimes he just wants me to give things over to Him. I kick and scream and put up a fight, but once I finally surrender it's such a good feeling.

I have put up a front for quite some time now. I wouldn't allow myself to feel hurt. I felt much stronger shoving my feelings aside and not dealing with things that would make me vulnerable. I didn't want to feel anything. Which, yeah, that can work, and honestly I felt awesome that I had that kind of control to turn my heart on and off. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't need to, b/c I wasn't hurt, right?

False, God broke me Sunday. It's funny how much He knows me better then I know myself. I fooled myself to thinking that I actually didn't care. But the one thing that I do care about was being blockaded by something I wouldn't let go of. Barricaded by something that brought me nothing good, & only caused me to hurt. So Sunday, I let it go. Sometimes I need to face the fact that I can't be my own savior. I know where God wants me. He wants me in Africa, & I want to be there. Right now actually. I realized nothing is greater then that. Nothing is greater then God's plan for me. If I'm not in Africa I know I will not be ultimately happy.

In the grand scheme of things, God's plans for me in Africa are so much greater then the tiny miniscule things that I hold onto daily. You know, when you hold onto something you are basically telling God that He can't handle it. He can't fix it, only you can.

Sometimes you've got to give up in order to grow up.

I'm glad I'm on my way to growing up.

Look Ma! I'm a Big Girl

Today is the start of my life

I officially have a nursing job!

It still hasn't sunk in yet.

It's an amazing feeling to know that I will be able to pay back all of the loans that I owe.

I feel like such a grown up. In a few months I will be a fricking nurse! That's scary and exciting all at once. I'm not really sure if it's hit me yet. I HAVE A JOB, which means Lynchburg is officially my home.

I have a paper to write due Tuesday and then what? That's it! I'm done with nursing school I'm going to France in 9 days. Don't start my job until later in the summer. I just get to hang out! I'm not sure what hanging out means anymore, but I'm excited about it. I graduate from college in 7 days!

whoa

I'm Strange

Things that get me through the day are probably unlike any other person.

Organizing.
I love to organize.

I'll write the same to do list on 3 different pieces of paper & that makes me feel less stressed.
I literally can't wait to pack up my apartment. I can't wait to unpack and organize my new house.

Only 7 more days until I get to do that. YAY! :]

Bargain

Do you ever find yourself bargaining with God?

"If you give me this then I will do this."

"okay, God, I'm going to take it as a sign from you if this happens that I should do this . . ."

First off, talking that way to God is childish

Secondly, sometimes when we ask for a sign He actually does it & we ignore it

I've been praying more then usually this week. Maybe it's b/c I'm praying for someone I genuinely care about, maybe it's b/c I'm at a cross roads and taking that next step in my life as to "Dear God, what am I supposed to be doing?" I don't know why. This week I've been in an emotional battle with God. I'll ask Him to show me something & He does & I ignore it b/c I don't want what He has to say about the situation to be true. Every time I'm in prayer or in worship I can feel God saying, "No," but I won't have it. I don't want to listen even though I ask Him for answers "But God, what if I'm willing to sacrifice the happiness I could have, for being just a little happy? I'll be willing if that means that I can get this!"

This week after I have said that to God multiple times, I step back & I think really? I want to settle? I want to give up God's absolutely BEST for me just b/c I'm holding on to a feeling. In the big picture I can't imagine anything better then what's in my mind. I wish God would just give me a glimpse, but I guess that wouldn't be patience now would it?

I asked God to take something away from me if it is His will, & I think He is slowly taking it away, & I'm not happy about it. at all. I want so badly to take it back. j/k, God. I want to hold onto it a little longer please. I really really need to learn how to let go & let God.

ugh, I feel so bipolar.