Bargain

Do you ever find yourself bargaining with God?

"If you give me this then I will do this."

"okay, God, I'm going to take it as a sign from you if this happens that I should do this . . ."

First off, talking that way to God is childish

Secondly, sometimes when we ask for a sign He actually does it & we ignore it

I've been praying more then usually this week. Maybe it's b/c I'm praying for someone I genuinely care about, maybe it's b/c I'm at a cross roads and taking that next step in my life as to "Dear God, what am I supposed to be doing?" I don't know why. This week I've been in an emotional battle with God. I'll ask Him to show me something & He does & I ignore it b/c I don't want what He has to say about the situation to be true. Every time I'm in prayer or in worship I can feel God saying, "No," but I won't have it. I don't want to listen even though I ask Him for answers "But God, what if I'm willing to sacrifice the happiness I could have, for being just a little happy? I'll be willing if that means that I can get this!"

This week after I have said that to God multiple times, I step back & I think really? I want to settle? I want to give up God's absolutely BEST for me just b/c I'm holding on to a feeling. In the big picture I can't imagine anything better then what's in my mind. I wish God would just give me a glimpse, but I guess that wouldn't be patience now would it?

I asked God to take something away from me if it is His will, & I think He is slowly taking it away, & I'm not happy about it. at all. I want so badly to take it back. j/k, God. I want to hold onto it a little longer please. I really really need to learn how to let go & let God.

ugh, I feel so bipolar.

b.r.o.k.e.n.

The past 3 years of my life a word that has stuck with me, encouraged me, & just really defined where I have been in my life has been Forgiven. I still don't completely comprehend this word. I don't get how God forgave me or how He loves someone as wretched as myself. To look at the cross and actually realize what it means . . . I have no words

Yesterday I was pondering about my Africa trip last summer. Side Note: I get to go on another trip this summer for 2 1/2 weeks. The original plan was to go to Northern Africa (specifically Tunisia) and learn about Islam and then fly to Southern France to put what we had learned into practice. Walk the streets and share the gospel with those who don't believe. If you've been keeping up with the news you probably know that Tunisia probably isn't the best place to go right now. The entire country is a mess. What interested me in this trip to begin with was the Africa part to be honest. Now that part of the trip will be spent elsewhere in which I haven't found out yet. I'm still very excited though!

As I was thinking about my time last year in Republic of the Congo I recalled all the emotions that I went through while there. Frustration. Disappointment. Surrender. Peace. Once I returned home my thoughts were all over the place. I was still at a place in my life that I had no idea where God wanted me to serve long term. I was a little aggravated that God didn't reveal it to me. What I've come to realize is that He reveals His will in His OWN time. God does not live by a time table like I do. He reveals it little by little. Sometimes His words can just hit you like a ton of bricks. At other times it's soft and subtle.

Since last summer my passion for missions has grown & every time someone says the words "Africa" I get chills all over my body. I'm not saying this is God. It's not even something I can explain. It may not even make sense. But I dare you to put a picture of an African person in front of me and talk about Africa & I will literally burst into tears. It's taking all that I have in me right now not to cry while writing this. I'm broken. I'm broken for these people that haven't even heard the sweet sweet name "Jesus" I hate to say this, but the more and more I live in the US the more and more I hate it. I shouldn't be angry with people that don't know. Not everyone has seen what I have. Not everyone has a passion placed in their heart such as mine. But if you are a Christian & you know about it, you have absolutely no reason to stay here and be complacent. Why don't Christians take His Word literally? When Jesus Himself said, "Go and make disciples of all nations" HE MEANT IT. These were the last words Christ told us. Let that sink in.

Now don't get all crazy on me. I know not everyone is called to the mission field. I know there are people that aren't Christians in the states and they need him too. Well Amen! Those who aren't called to the mission field better be doing something about it. (Myself included while I'm still here) I'm tired of Christians that are doing nothing. There are so many people out there that need Him! I'm not perfect. I worry about my petty things just as much as the next person. But let's put it in context. People are starving! People don't have clean water! People are dying of diseases that can be prevented! People are relying on witch doctors for healing when Christ is the one that can heal ALL of their needs! & oh, I'm stressing out b/c I have a paper to write? Beth, please.

Sorry I go on rants occasionally. But just take a look at what you have. A job, a home, food on the table, running water, a car, a Starbucks. If you are not a missionary you need to be praying daily for those that are out there being persecuted for their belief. Those who gave up the American dream to participate in something larger. I don't even know what this blog was supposed to accomplish. I ramble and don't make sense a lot of the time. But I'm so so thankful God has broken me. That He has placed such a passion in my heart. There is a reason for me being on this earth. & once I discovered that I became a new person. I can't WAIT to get out of the States. Have you ever had something you try so hard to reach? There is a finish line, yet you have weights and people pulling you back. Well the mission field is the finish line & that extra baggage is school, graduation and taking the boards. Once that's done I have nothing holding me back. &. I. Can't. Wait!

Preview

Sometimes I like to just write out my schedule and take a look at what I have coming up, therefore....

Today:
class 7:40-9:40
coffee with friends
work 11-2
class 2-3:15
work again 4:30-9

Wednesday:
work 9-3:45
class 4-6:30
write clinical journal and treatment plan
write article response for Bio Ethics

AA meeting (clincal purpose) 8:00

Thursday:
work 8-1:45
class 2-3:15 (response due)
Dave Barnes in Gboro :]

Friday:
work 8-4:30
write AA paper and journal
Brew the Noise @ 8

Saturday:
Study study study Crit Care
work 4:30-9

Sunday:
study
bridal shower @ 2
church 4-8

Monday:
work 8-4:30
studyyyy

Tuesday:
Presentation 7:40-9:40
coffee with friends
work 11-2
class 2-3:15 (quiz)
STUDY

Wednesday:
work 9-12:45
Crit Care Test @ 1
rest

Thursday:
work 8-4:30
study for finals
Martha and Amy leave for Thailand :[

Friday:
work 8-4:30
study for finals
Coffee House @ 11:30

Saturday:
Brentwood Christmas Party @ 10:30
study
work 4:30-9

Sunday:
study
church 4-8

Monday:
Crit Care Exam

Tuesday:
work 8-3:15
Bio Ethics Exam @ 3:30

Wednesday:
Mental Health Exam @ 10:30
work 1-4:30
SLEEP and breathe

The Power of Words

My reason for writing this may seem trivial to you.

I just found out that my favorite celebrity in the world has checked herself into rehab for emotional issues, eating problems, and for cutting herself. Yeah, I know I'm being dramatic, but this honestly hurts my heart.

This girl is 18 years old. She should not have to go through this, and why do you think she does? People are mean. Words hurt. We think that the opinion of others actually matters. Being a girl, I know where she comes from. It hurts being told you aren't good enough. You aren't pretty enough. Who in the world says that? No one, but you might as well have said that. Guys, when you tell a girl, "You look tired." We don't take that as a compliment. When we get broken up with we think there is something wrong with us, when in reality there's nothing wrong with us. God made us in the way to be pursued and wanted. Guys don't know how to do that anymore I feel. Girls are mean to others. We can't win either way. I don't mean to bash guys, but a lot of the reason girls are so insecure is because of guys!

Why can't we just accept who God made us to be. We are special, and no one else in the world is like us. My heart breaks for the young girls out there that don't think they are good enough. Nothing matters beside what God thinks of us. & we are so so precious in His sight.

I know this post is superficial. But my heart hurts for Demi. She is beautiful. Call me crazy, but I would love to look like her, and be her. & she is 5 years younger then me.

I'm talking to myself here too.

Here's to her recovery and to the hope that she kicks Joe Jonas in the . . .

Happy November!

This was my roommates friends status on facebook. I want to marry this guy.

For one month we shall let our facial hair grow as it was intended to.It is not a contest but a celebration of the privilege we havereceived. A membership to this brotherhood of men is a commitment toexcellence in the field of beard growing. Real men shall band together in defiance of theunnatural social obligation of routine shaving. There are only two types of women:women who love men with beards and lesbians.

ZzZzZzZ

I'm tired.

I know what you might think. We all get tired, right?
False, I'm ALWAYS tired. Always.
Right now I've just finished a 16 oz cup of coffee & I could easily fall into a coma.

I really don't know how much more I can take of just going going going all the time. I work, I'm in school, I work my other job, I work in the hospital, I volunteer at church, I feel like I study all the time. When I force myself to try to relax, I can't. I can barely keep my eyes open & I know I got over 9 hours of sleep last night. I have never wished more for anything in my life. I just want school to be over. I see no end in sight even though I will be done in May. I'm burnt out on life right now. It takes a lot for me to just get up in the mornings. I think I need to actually start listening to my mother and drop some things in my life, so that I can stay sane. But we all know that I won't do that. I have a test (that is not nursing, thank God) in an hour. I feel like I can't even soke in the information. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a mess.

The worst thing is I know next semester it isn't going to get any better. Working in the hospital alone 36 hours every week will not help me rest. Thinking about that already stresses me out. You see why I drink coffee all the time? I need to up my dosage.

I'm so close to giving up

I received this email this week:

Beth,

I just wanted to infrom you that you will need to meet with either Mrs. Akers or myself this week to fill out a risk for failure form. After the 2nd test, your current test average is 75.02. This is very recoverable and we want to make sure you are successful in this course. Let us know when you can meet.

Mrs.**** &Mrs. ***