The Power of Words

My reason for writing this may seem trivial to you.

I just found out that my favorite celebrity in the world has checked herself into rehab for emotional issues, eating problems, and for cutting herself. Yeah, I know I'm being dramatic, but this honestly hurts my heart.

This girl is 18 years old. She should not have to go through this, and why do you think she does? People are mean. Words hurt. We think that the opinion of others actually matters. Being a girl, I know where she comes from. It hurts being told you aren't good enough. You aren't pretty enough. Who in the world says that? No one, but you might as well have said that. Guys, when you tell a girl, "You look tired." We don't take that as a compliment. When we get broken up with we think there is something wrong with us, when in reality there's nothing wrong with us. God made us in the way to be pursued and wanted. Guys don't know how to do that anymore I feel. Girls are mean to others. We can't win either way. I don't mean to bash guys, but a lot of the reason girls are so insecure is because of guys!

Why can't we just accept who God made us to be. We are special, and no one else in the world is like us. My heart breaks for the young girls out there that don't think they are good enough. Nothing matters beside what God thinks of us. & we are so so precious in His sight.

I know this post is superficial. But my heart hurts for Demi. She is beautiful. Call me crazy, but I would love to look like her, and be her. & she is 5 years younger then me.

I'm talking to myself here too.

Here's to her recovery and to the hope that she kicks Joe Jonas in the . . .

Happy November!

This was my roommates friends status on facebook. I want to marry this guy.

For one month we shall let our facial hair grow as it was intended to.It is not a contest but a celebration of the privilege we havereceived. A membership to this brotherhood of men is a commitment toexcellence in the field of beard growing. Real men shall band together in defiance of theunnatural social obligation of routine shaving. There are only two types of women:women who love men with beards and lesbians.

ZzZzZzZ

I'm tired.

I know what you might think. We all get tired, right?
False, I'm ALWAYS tired. Always.
Right now I've just finished a 16 oz cup of coffee & I could easily fall into a coma.

I really don't know how much more I can take of just going going going all the time. I work, I'm in school, I work my other job, I work in the hospital, I volunteer at church, I feel like I study all the time. When I force myself to try to relax, I can't. I can barely keep my eyes open & I know I got over 9 hours of sleep last night. I have never wished more for anything in my life. I just want school to be over. I see no end in sight even though I will be done in May. I'm burnt out on life right now. It takes a lot for me to just get up in the mornings. I think I need to actually start listening to my mother and drop some things in my life, so that I can stay sane. But we all know that I won't do that. I have a test (that is not nursing, thank God) in an hour. I feel like I can't even soke in the information. I can't concentrate on anything. I'm a mess.

The worst thing is I know next semester it isn't going to get any better. Working in the hospital alone 36 hours every week will not help me rest. Thinking about that already stresses me out. You see why I drink coffee all the time? I need to up my dosage.

I'm so close to giving up

I received this email this week:

Beth,

I just wanted to infrom you that you will need to meet with either Mrs. Akers or myself this week to fill out a risk for failure form. After the 2nd test, your current test average is 75.02. This is very recoverable and we want to make sure you are successful in this course. Let us know when you can meet.

Mrs.**** &Mrs. ***

#Fail

I've talked about it once, I'll talk about it again.

We as humans are failures. Every day of our lives.

Sometimes it's good though that we are reminded, that way it keeps us from thinking that we can do it ourselves.

The past 2 weeks in church have rocked my world. Matt Cote challenged us to a 40 day renewal to spend time in God's Word everyday. He gave us a statistic that very few Christians actually read their Bible. I was shocked to hear that, but should I be when I am one that doesn't read it? I find it so so difficult to spend time in the Word. I can't figure it out. So I agreed to do the 40 day challenge. I did the first 3 days. Its been over a week. Day 4 I actually forgot b/c I was so busy, but is that a good excuse? I'm too busy for God? I plan to pick back up where I left off, but what's wrong with me that I think I'm above reading God's Word?

Matt and Jon both very well pointed out that God's Word is His love letter to us! It's His masterpiece FOR ME. Matt said "Excuses are good , but either you read the Bible or not, if you aren't you are saying you don't want God to have authority over your life." Whoa. Whooooooa.

I've gotten off to a rough start, but I do want to become more like Christ. I want to learn about Him, and I want to read His letter that He wrote for me. Why would I not? I do want God to have authority over my life.

Also Nic read this verse during worship and it made me cry.

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed." - 1 Peter 2:21-24

Pieces of my Heart

I tend to hand my heart out too easily

Most of the time it's to boys (I've learned my lesson there)

But this time it was to a country

I just returned from one of the best trips of my life. By no means do I regret anything I've done that led me to point where I am now. It took tons of mistakes and trials to understand what God/where God wanted me. It took years of molding to lead me to this point in my life. Required me to give a lot to God. So many years I didn't know God's plan for my life. I can boldly say now that God wants me over seas serving Him in the best way that I can, and that's nursing.

I left May 21, 2010 to embark on a trip to Impfondo, Africa. There lies a 50 bed hospital started by Dr. Harvey. They get everything from gun shot victims from the war across the river, to emergency surgeries, to people falling out of trees to retrieve honey. Our trip to arrive in this region was long and involved some missed flights. Finally on May 25th we made it to Impfondo, Congo. My first thought of Impfondo: breath taking. You probably think that means it was beautiful and there were just no words to describe it. You would be wrong. I literally couldn't breath when I stepped of the plane because it was so hot. It was miserable. I immediately started sweating. Impression # 1 of Impfondo: not very good. We get the tour of everything, and get informed that we will have to take Vermox (a worm medicine) when we leave b/c we WILL have worms by the time we leave. Impression # 2: getting worse. We get the tour of our housing. Impression # 3: faith plummeting. Went to bed with a huge spider above my bed. Impression # 4: I cried. To say the least, I was not feeling too well about the trip.

The first day of work was phenomenal. I was paired with 2 girls from the US meaning I didn't have to struggle to understand French. Thank you, Jesus. The first week I was on the Surgery wards & sometimes in surgery. It was amazing. I did that for 3 days & then it was the weekend. I was able to see a lot of stuff. I was able to help out in surgery (& assist! which is doctor stuff!) Lets talk about the "air conditioning" for the OR. Well, there was a wall unit that was set at 77 degrees, but when the patient gets cold laying there then it gets cut off. If you have never scrubbed in on a surgery in the Congo before you will never know the heat that radiates from your body. You've got scrubs, a heavy jacket over that, gloves over that, goggles, a mask, and a hat. You are suffocating & you are in a sterile environment, so you can't scratch when your face itches, can't push your goggles up b/c they are falling down your nose, & most definitely can't wipe the sweat that is now dripping from your brow. Let's also talk about how they don't have anesthesia over there, so the patients are awake while you have their intestines outside their body. Awesome. Don't worry. They had an epidural so I'm sure they couldn't feel a thing! All that to say, I love the OR.

The next week I had community with Sarah Speer (& Deborah, a girl from my group) That week was such a blessing. I've never in my life met someone who has such a heart for people. Sarah just loves. That's what she does. We would go out on bikes and ride miles to visit people in the community that needed help. We would do assessments & then Sarah would prescribe some medication & then would follow up with them. She just loves the Congolese people with such a passion. I can't even describe it. She even started a leprosy center for the people with leprosy. (Yes, people still have leprosy) You may be thinking why would I go there? I'm going to get leprosy, right? False. I found out you have to carry some sort of gene in order to contract the disease, & I don't have that gene. I went and was able to love on them & even got to share my testimony. :] They were amazing, & I was able to understand the value of washing people's feet (like in Biblical time) He cleaned their toeless feet, and they were so grateful. I'm so glad that I was able to take part in that.

The third week I was meds/peds so I covered 3 wards (women's medicine, men's medicine, and pediatrics) I finally learned how to read the patient charts that week. It was a lot of giving meds & taking vitals & trying to convey English to the Africans. I try to stay humble, but one day my pride rose a lot. Two of the girls from our group were on community that week, so they weren't on the hospital grounds. The one other girl in our group was on Surgery that week and was in the OR. So me and Megan did meds and vitals for the entire hospital. We couldn't even find actual nurses to the hosptial, & no one died! I felt so amazing that I'm finally understanding what I'm doing & starting to have the confidence that I AM a good nurse. It was amazing.

That same week though we had a group meeting and were going to talk about the trip so far and what God has been teaching us. Our leader, Rachel, opened up the floor, so I decided to take the stage. What I had to say wasn't happy though. So far on the trip I had liked it, but their were a couple days that I just was in a bad mood. I was hot. I was tired. I was gross. I felt that I expected this huge moment in which God would tell me where He wanted me to be on the mission field, or some huge revalation. I got nothing. So that made me extremely frustrated, & I vented those feelings. Some of the people on our team were actually feeling the same way. We all expected God to speak to us. All of us are wanting to be missionaries, and we all have no idea where God is wanting us to go. After that day, I started praying that God would fix my attitude. Of course He did, and from then on the trip was amazing beyond belief.

The 4th week I was there I had the ER/ICU part of the hospital (which I was dreading) All the nurses in that part speak French, so I was extremely nervous. It turned out to be an awesome week. There was some downtime, so I just went around the hospital & helped everyone that needed some help. I was able to put in my first NG tube (a tube that goes into the stomach through the nose, yikes) & I put it in successfully. It was great. This week I kind of caught a bug that everyone else seemed to be catching as well, so Rachel let me rest a day, & I was able to recover :]

The final full week there I was on Mother/Baby with Amanda. One of the most rewarding and frustrating weeks. Frustrating in the fact of the French/English barrier & the nurses thinking we didn't know what we were doing when in fact we did. Thank God I had Amanda with me that week. We had TONS of laughs. Rewarding in the fact that I was able to deliver a baby! I also was able to participate in 2 different C-sections.

We also got to walk down to the circle and watch the World Cup on a big screen (not something I would have envisioned being in Impfondo haha) The Africans were so loving, and celebrated with us when the US won a couple games. It was amazing. They would grab us and start jumping up and down.

I learned so much. God opened my heart to the people there & I fell in love. You know, it's not about WHERE God wants you to go. He says GO. I went, and I want to go again. Anywhere. I've been so set on where God wants me, thinking life is going to be awful if I don't hear His call to a certain country. Wrong. God is not going to punish me if I go to India instead of Thailand, or Brazil instead of Africa. Everyone needs Jesus. I could go anywhere in the world, and I feel as though God would be happy that I obeyed and went. I would never take back this experience ever.

When I arrived back in the States (& after I got my Starbucks) I got so sad. Granted I was awake for 40 hours straight due to the annoying kid kicking my seat and the flight attendants waking you up every hour to eat. But I just laid on my bed, and of course, my mom always knows when I'm upset, & I just cried. I missed my team already. I missed Africa already, and I had the overwhelming need to toss my clothes and get rid of so much stuff. It's not fair that I have so much, and there are people in the world that have nothing. NOTHING. I had major culture shock for a month or so.

I loved this trip, & I'm searching for another missions trip to go on over Christmas break or in May. God commands that we spread the Word. & I want to obey. This trip was definitely life changing. I actually just got word this week that a patient we cared for the entire 5 weeks we were there died of AIDS. He was 16 years old. But I can rejoice b/c he accepted Christ while we were there. We may not be able to heal everyone physical, but Christ can heal their spirit & that's why I love to share about Him.

In the words of the great Jon Dupin, "Go change the world!"

el-oh-vee-ee

I don't know if I'm getting weirder with my age, but some things just bug me now a days. I went to a baseball game last night with my best friend. As I walked to go get peanuts someone behind me said "HEY" so I turned around to see a couple of girls that were apparently yelling for someone else. I turned around & they started to make fun of me for turning around b/c I thought they were talking to me. This didn't bother me on a personal level b/c I mean they were like 13 & they are just at that age where you make fun of everyone. Then later in the game the coach started going off on the umpire for apparently making a bad call. Everyone there proceeded to clap and cheer on the fight. Yeah, it's all in good fun & it's just a game. But for some reason this rubbed me the wrong way. Why do we treat others like that & condone it when it happens?

I read an article the other day about this homeless man that helped a woman that was being mugged in NYC. Since he helped her, he ended up being stabbed by the mugger. He laid in the street where many people passed him in a pool of blood & walked on by. Another guy proceeded to take a picture & leave. Unfortunately the man lay there & died. No one stopped. No one even called for help until it was too late. What has the world come to that we completely ignore someone in need of help?

Another story that got to me was one about a baby that was "aborted" & thrown aside. A day later a doctor realized that the baby was breathing. WHAT?! That baby was sitting there for 24 hours alone. The baby of course died the next day. & why did the mother want to abort? B/c the baby had a cleft lip.

Where is the love now a days? This disgusts me. Not saying that I'm extremely educated on everything. But sometimes I don't think people are aware of other countries or better yet people that live beside them. The US is extremely selfish & we take so much for granted. We can't even help the people that live down the road from us.

This blog is kinda pieces of my thoughts. It may not make much sense. But God commands us to love Him & to love others. The bottom line: LOVE. So stop judging and making fun of others & definitely stop putting yourself first. After all, it's not about us. It's about HIM.