Sometimes he just wants me to give things over to Him. I kick and scream and put up a fight, but once I finally surrender it's such a good feeling.
I have put up a front for quite some time now. I wouldn't allow myself to feel hurt. I felt much stronger shoving my feelings aside and not dealing with things that would make me vulnerable. I didn't want to feel anything. Which, yeah, that can work, and honestly I felt awesome that I had that kind of control to turn my heart on and off. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I didn't need to, b/c I wasn't hurt, right?
False, God broke me Sunday. It's funny how much He knows me better then I know myself. I fooled myself to thinking that I actually didn't care. But the one thing that I do care about was being blockaded by something I wouldn't let go of. Barricaded by something that brought me nothing good, & only caused me to hurt. So Sunday, I let it go. Sometimes I need to face the fact that I can't be my own savior. I know where God wants me. He wants me in Africa, & I want to be there. Right now actually. I realized nothing is greater then that. Nothing is greater then God's plan for me. If I'm not in Africa I know I will not be ultimately happy.
In the grand scheme of things, God's plans for me in Africa are so much greater then the tiny miniscule things that I hold onto daily. You know, when you hold onto something you are basically telling God that He can't handle it. He can't fix it, only you can.
Sometimes you've got to give up in order to grow up.
I'm glad I'm on my way to growing up.
